Confusion

It was a beautiful springday with lots of sunshine. I was still busy with some preparations as T. texted me that He wants to meet me at the station an hour earlier, so we can sit in the sun and talk before we leave for our usual location. Panic on all sides haha, 'cause i felt i wasn't ready yet, still too much to do. Besides i gladly wanted to pick up a parcel at the postoffice with a new toy.
As i entered the railway station on time (!) pfffff wíth new toy, my Owner startled me for being there. I suspected to meet Him at the platform. I saw His smiling eyes. He always catches me by surprise.

We decided to travel halfway and drink coffee in Driebergen. As usual, being a nervous subbie, i jabbered away a lot. As i, a few days later, evaluate our meeting, i was fed up with my chatter, so i asked T. to stop my mouth next time. Please? I'm not sure He will do that, i think He's amused as i nervously chatter. +

It was great to meet my Owner again; to see Him, listen to Him, taste Him. But i couldn't find some peace of mind. Not even as i waited for Him in the cellar. Naked. On my knees. For some hours we were together again in our own universum but i couldn't find the magic. The intensity of Us didn't touch me as deep as before. There were some new experiences (i write about it in some other posts) but it was hard to surrender myself. I had the feeling T. had some other things on His mind, that He wasn't with me completely. And it also seemed that i couldn't take much. But i was awfully craving for much; much pain, much humiliation. And most of all much of what T. wanted from me, taking no account of me.

As we were saying goodbye at the station i felt a little numb, a vague feeling. The day after it seemed as if i landed in sub-drop. I was very emotional and cried at every moment. Reflecting our meeting. Thinking that i wasn't good enough for my Owner. Thinking about these emotions i decided to mail T. about these feelings of insecurity and worrying. The scars from my former D/s liaisons appeared again: i was scared to express my feelings, scared for anger, although i know that T. isn't like that. I thought that my Owner has the right to know what my feelings are, in fact this is from essential importance. So i conquered my fears and sended the mail.

.......i hope that You only do the things Yóu find nice, pleasant and horny and if this turned out to be nice, horny etc. as well for me than i'm lucky. Only Yóu decide what is going to happen, if i like it or not. That makes me feel recognized and i can't imagine anything better than to please You, follow You, to do and to experience Your commands and desires, anything what You have in mind. Suffering under your hands and interest is what makes me happy......

Apparantly i'm asking for a harder approach without calculating my wishes. (and from that exactly calculating my wishes, how schizophrenic is that?) I was afraid to send the mail 'cause i don't wanna hurt Masters feelings or being unjust. Perhaps He don't understand what i'm talking about. Fortunately T. understands His subbie very well 'cause as He had received my mail He answered it immediately to set me at ease.

sweet girl,

don't be scared and thank you for your honest mail! Later more and details and everything. I love it that my subbie and girl is sincere. Sincerity is something else than hurting!

Bye sweetheart,

your Master T.

Gratitude and happiness. I'm such a lucky girl. Subbie cries, subbie smiles. For now i'm somewhat confused. Craving. Sometimes my submissive, masochistic feelings are difficult to unravel. I find them at times oh so conflicting. Opposite feelings. It's hard for me to ask things from my Owner. That doesn't suit a submissive? Meanwhile i still feel my bum (and it's a week ago that we've met) A deep dull ache, making me smile and feeling happy.

The naked self

Amazed i look at the green light of the webcam. The green light that isn't a green light. But the eyes of my Owner. No, i'm not craving that much that i go nuts or something. Craving, yes. And very astonished that even a chat on messenger with T. touches me that deeply.

At first we were talking about daily life. But soon enough there were our dark desires and fantasies. Making me giggle and blushing at the beginning because of my arising horniness. Somehow T. always manage to make me shy, ashamed of my hungry lust. Ofcourse T. mentions with emphasis my lust. He knows exactly how to make me feel small. Just like He knows how shy i become when observing me. He doesn't have a webcam, mine is on. This ofcourse intensifies the feeling of being observed. I have to stand up so T. can watch my tits. He commands me to place two pegs on my nipples. This hurts a lot, those miserable, sensitive nipples of mine. Then i'm allowed to sit again, so He can observe my face. Our conversation continues. About a fantasy that arouses me a lot. So the pain on my nipples fades away. I have to aim the camera on my face, a little bit closer. Looking straight into the camera. As if looking at Him. I have to finger myself, but i'm not allowed to orgasm.

Is that clear?
Yes Master.

Somewhat provoking i look up at the camera, eagerly starting to masturbate. But it doesn't take long, the lust to masturbate vanishes. I notice i become emotional. All the time looking at the camera but my hands resting calm in my lap. Tears welling up. I would like to hide my face behind my hands right now. Too naked. This is the first time someone is observing me this consciously. This is the first time someone is seeing me this clear. Wants to see me this clear. Restlessness befalls me and i sway my chair. Back and forth. There is silence, no messages i can focus on. Only a little green light observing me. T.'s eyes. Is He still there? What's He doing? It seems hours and time stands still. Because of my restlessness i suddenly feel the pain from the pegs again. Those i have to take down from my nipples right now!
No!

is the decided answer from my Owner. Which arouses me very much. Ah, He's still here and He is watching. He's watching me. I can feel His presence, His glance resting upon me. Then i surrender. Peace comes over me and i look straight into the camera. A smile upon my face.

To be continued......

Vulnerable

There's something intruiging going on. Concerning my feelings and emotions. It has a lot to do with the hint from T., about the trunk of a car. The (apart from that beautiful blog) from s.o.d. about being transported in a trunk and the comment from humble doll on it, has put my feelings in some sort of a rapid. Clearer said: so i'm not the only one that find the idea of a trunk exciting. Seeing this written down makes it impossible to push away this dark little bit of myself. It enforces me to look at it. Often when i find on the net a photo showing a helpless girl back in a trunk, i document it 'cause i find such an image attractive. Still my feelings stayed, in spite of being fascinated, numb. Apparently i didn't allow myself to feel anything. And why is that? Nosing around on the net indeed you find little photographs with this kind of image. Is this too much taboo? While this doesn't happen against the will of the submissive, this should be clear. Ofcourse, i do understand the essence of this taboo. You don't find much images like these on the net, but you dó find horrorstories of women who were find in a trunk, after being kidnapped and raped or even worse. Ofcourse this is horrible; i'm against every form of violence against mankind. But why am i not afraid to look at my rape fantasies? Why do i allow myself to feel something thinking about this? Why is for me being transported in the trunk of my Owner worse? More taboo than needles thru my nipples and labia? While needles for me was enormous transgressing.
Meanwhile T. made clear that the trunk isn't a mindfuck at all. Fact is; this touches me emotionally very deep and starts up many processes in my thinking and feeling. Thinking of coming Friday i'm jumpy and aroused and also a little bit frightened. Not because i don't trust my Owner, i trust Him for 100%. There's something else going on. So i looked inside myself. These frightening feelings aren't bad, also i don't find them creepy, but i wanna know where they come from. These feelings, clearly triggered by the trunk.

Finally i came to the following conclusion; T. and i are so much on the same frequency, with familiar dark thoughts (and more). So it's for sure He can make this dark desires of mine reality. Íf He does isn't relevant, He can. Where-ever He's leading me, i know i will follow Him. Because i've never felt myself so save and good in a D/s relationship before. This is a delightful feeling, but also scary. Because how far will i go? Which direction follows this path? Wonderful, thrilling and scary. i've never felt as vulnerable before, and as strong at the same time.
He's my Owner, He's my Protector.