A brutal dance and heartfelt togetherness

Photograph: Fetish breasts by Emily sub.

We should meet again, no play but drinking coffee, talking and hugging, just a wonderful day together. The awkwardness of me was the reason that T. decided otherwise. You know: lovely tension, but not so bright thinking as normally in daily life, there i stood on the platform of the railway station, pretty baby, carefully shaved, on time. Waiting for my Master to travel furthermore together. Comprehensively on time so it seems. A textmessage to Master learned me that i was (luckily!) on the right platform, but too early. One hour early!

Oh poor silly thing, you're too early so get the train to Nijmegen.

At that time the train to Nijmegen arrived, so i was thinking Master is mindfucking me. 'Cause i still had the idea i was there at the right time. Yeah, subbie with a jelly brain. That's the influence T. has on me. ;-) Was T. aware that i was thinking of a mindfuck? And did He took advantage from it? Nervously i got on the train and T. fed my insecurity with textmessages. Within ten minutes i was in Nijmegen, looking around but no sign of Master at all. Another textmessage: i had to go to the cafe on the platform, drinking some coffee and waiting. He already had asked me if i did remember the hotel near the station? Some time ago we had stayed there. Ofcourse i do remember that. Very well. And T. wrote that it's very tempting this hotel so very nearby. Butterflies in my tummy were dancing and fluttering substantially. I didn't dare to think of, hoping that....
While i enjoyed my coffee i suddenly saw Master dropping by. I was so happy to see Him again! And that's an understatement haha. We kissed eacht other and T. got himself a coffee too. I took Him in intensely. Enjoying His face, His hands, His eyes and voice. He told me that we should go to the hotel nearby. He was longing to feel me, to possess me. I giggled and became nervous again.

Immediately after entering the room we kissed each other fiercely. It was very clear we missed each other a lot. Masters hands were everywhere and i was dizy from longing. Soon enough i was naked, kneeling on the floor in front of the bed. We hadn't took much stuff, but i had some pegs, a small flogger and the wheel of pain. But who needs the whip when there's the heavy but oh so delicious belt? Master pushed me face down in the blankets, the sound of the belt pulled of from the trousers, making me dizzy. Instinctively i raise my bum even more awaiting the first blow. That delicious first blow that always scares me abit. Not knowing how i will react. Can i take much or will i be squeaking and yummer like a little baby? But the first blow always making me His, taking me along our dark magical world, where we merge and deeply piercing each others soul.
After this first blow with His belt we were absorbed in our heated craving towards each other. It was an intense brutal dance in which Master fucked me ruthlessly, took my breath and gave it back, pulled my hair, slapped my face, penetrated my mouth as deep as He could until i heaved and was gasping for breath, He then turned me around again to fuck me deep in the ass and that hurted so much that tears were in my eyes, but this feeling made me very, very happy. A dance in which Master beated me and tortured my breasts that much so the next day they were covered with bruises and blue spots. And that made me happy also. Nevertheless it isn't the bruises, the pain and the humiliation that i cherish. What i remember the most and cherish is the feeling Master needs me as much as i need Him. That i finally understand this and this feeling brings an intense togetherness. Master dared to show His heartfelt feelings even more. For a change it wasn't me that talked a lot that day, but Master did the talking and allowed me in His daily life. i am His and that makes me happy. Still lasting!

Confusion

It was a beautiful springday with lots of sunshine. I was still busy with some preparations as T. texted me that He wants to meet me at the station an hour earlier, so we can sit in the sun and talk before we leave for our usual location. Panic on all sides haha, 'cause i felt i wasn't ready yet, still too much to do. Besides i gladly wanted to pick up a parcel at the postoffice with a new toy.
As i entered the railway station on time (!) pfffff wíth new toy, my Owner startled me for being there. I suspected to meet Him at the platform. I saw His smiling eyes. He always catches me by surprise.

We decided to travel halfway and drink coffee in Driebergen. As usual, being a nervous subbie, i jabbered away a lot. As i, a few days later, evaluate our meeting, i was fed up with my chatter, so i asked T. to stop my mouth next time. Please? I'm not sure He will do that, i think He's amused as i nervously chatter. +

It was great to meet my Owner again; to see Him, listen to Him, taste Him. But i couldn't find some peace of mind. Not even as i waited for Him in the cellar. Naked. On my knees. For some hours we were together again in our own universum but i couldn't find the magic. The intensity of Us didn't touch me as deep as before. There were some new experiences (i write about it in some other posts) but it was hard to surrender myself. I had the feeling T. had some other things on His mind, that He wasn't with me completely. And it also seemed that i couldn't take much. But i was awfully craving for much; much pain, much humiliation. And most of all much of what T. wanted from me, taking no account of me.

As we were saying goodbye at the station i felt a little numb, a vague feeling. The day after it seemed as if i landed in sub-drop. I was very emotional and cried at every moment. Reflecting our meeting. Thinking that i wasn't good enough for my Owner. Thinking about these emotions i decided to mail T. about these feelings of insecurity and worrying. The scars from my former D/s liaisons appeared again: i was scared to express my feelings, scared for anger, although i know that T. isn't like that. I thought that my Owner has the right to know what my feelings are, in fact this is from essential importance. So i conquered my fears and sended the mail.

.......i hope that You only do the things Yóu find nice, pleasant and horny and if this turned out to be nice, horny etc. as well for me than i'm lucky. Only Yóu decide what is going to happen, if i like it or not. That makes me feel recognized and i can't imagine anything better than to please You, follow You, to do and to experience Your commands and desires, anything what You have in mind. Suffering under your hands and interest is what makes me happy......

Apparantly i'm asking for a harder approach without calculating my wishes. (and from that exactly calculating my wishes, how schizophrenic is that?) I was afraid to send the mail 'cause i don't wanna hurt Masters feelings or being unjust. Perhaps He don't understand what i'm talking about. Fortunately T. understands His subbie very well 'cause as He had received my mail He answered it immediately to set me at ease.

sweet girl,

don't be scared and thank you for your honest mail! Later more and details and everything. I love it that my subbie and girl is sincere. Sincerity is something else than hurting!

Bye sweetheart,

your Master T.

Gratitude and happiness. I'm such a lucky girl. Subbie cries, subbie smiles. For now i'm somewhat confused. Craving. Sometimes my submissive, masochistic feelings are difficult to unravel. I find them at times oh so conflicting. Opposite feelings. It's hard for me to ask things from my Owner. That doesn't suit a submissive? Meanwhile i still feel my bum (and it's a week ago that we've met) A deep dull ache, making me smile and feeling happy.

Faith by Master Touch

And oh my, how dó i crave the cane after talking on messenger with my Master yesterday evening........

The traveller

Such a beautiful day today. Perhaps the sun was shining so bright because of me glowing in such an intense way. The meeting with T. yesterday was so fulfilling.
It started early; taking a nice shower, shaving myself as smooth as can be. Then His instruction; me in front of the mirror. Because my thoughts are already strongely focussed on my Owner, He fellt very close. While i looked at myself He sended me a textmessage. Do i obey His dictated instructions like a good girl does? Ofcourse! was my answer to Him. Beautiful clothes, shiny brushed hair, a nice perfume. Time was flying. It was time to go. A little bit nervous i left home. Because T. had planned something pleasant thrilling while travelling towards Him. When i was younger i had some wild years, doing lots of things God forbid, but T. proved me yesterday how well-behaved i am and such a scaredy-cat hihi.

Entering the railwaystation, you directly go to the waiting train at track 3A. Yes mo, you understand me well, don't buy a ticket! In the train mo, you already walk into the direction of DB and you find yourself a first class carriage. i want you to trust Me completely, despite of the fact you are travelling illegal, first class as well, and the possibility to be caught with all awkward consequences.

Argh! i find this scary. i understand this has to do with trust and surely i did what my Owner commanded me, as a good little girl. But my heart was beating fast and loud. i had to sit down in the carriage with separate compartments, close the door, take a seat with my back in the direction of DB. My Owner thought this over carefully. This has a symbolic intention; not knowing what will happen in DB, and as i look outside the window i see my hometown disappear into the distance. i wrote before about the ingenuity of T. All of the time i am amazed by and enjoying His ideas.
When i'm settled down i have to take off my knickers and spread my legs. The space between my legs has to be 30 centimeters. Shameless indeed, that's quite a lot, try it. While i'm doing all this for Him i can sense His closeness, experience intensely i'm His. He will protect me, guard me, possess me. Only then, as i concentrate myself on Him, feeling warm air stroking my thighs, alongside the seam of my stockings, ending at my open, warm cunt, Hís warm slutty cunt, only then i'm allowed to send Him a textmessage that i'm ready for my Owner.

But reality catches up with me. i was just sitting down for a minute or so as a conductor walks past and looks inside the compartment. Some minutes later he walks back and looks again inside the compartment. Explicit. Argh, nervously i send a message to T. that the conductor probably at first will control if i have a ticket. Ofcourse no reaction from T. Only silence. i try to relax and focus my thoughts on Him. To feel His closeness. This succeeds only partially. As soon as the train starts to move i send Him the message that i'm ready. Then i have to place my hands in my lap, palms open, bowing my head, closing my eyes. Obedient i do what my Owner wants me to do while i hear the murmur of my blood and the pounding of my heart. Gently the door is pushed open. i can't manage to sit down peacefully. In a reflex i quickly open my eyes to see T. is standing in front of me.
"Oh i am só glad to see You!" i blurt out. In fact i'm fed up of my fear and i'm hoping not to disappoint my Owner that much. But He draws me to Himself, pushing me against Him, His arms firm around me. Not much later the conductor checks the tickets.
The little compartment is nice and private. T. takes a measuring-tape and checks out the space between my knees. i provoked Him in a mail asking Him if He would bring a measuring-tape. Tacit He grabs my arm and draws three black lines on it. The space between my knees was 27 centimeters. He blindfolds me. My ears taking over my view, i hear Him groping about His bag. Suddenly i feel His grip on my thighs and a stinging pain. Three times. My brain is working hard to understand what it is i feel. It feels like clothes pins but the pain is different. Stinging, almost burning. As if there's a needle thru my skin. He takes along my thoughts further. His hands on my cunt, feeling, pinching, pulling. His fingers in me. Then clamps on my labia, some weight also i think, a chain between the clamps. He's pulling the chain, moving it fast back and forth. Vibrating aches thru my cunt and body making me wet. And wetter. Again His fingers in me, and the pulling at the chain making me cum in a delicious orgasm. Then again i feel this strange stinging pain on my thighs. He's pulling the clamps off. It seems to be the ones with malicious sharp teeth.

He removes the blindfold and we're talking and enjoying each others company. What He's doing to me, i don't know. But if He's around me i constantly wanna give Him little kisses, crawling with Him. He makes me surrendering myself to Him unrestrained, including intense lust. When i'm with Him i am constantly very aroused and i giving it in. i dare to. He makes me feeling His slut without feeling cheap. Because He guides me thru this circle of emotions adding also the submissive, the masochist, the little girl and the woman Mo. All in one.
He draws black circles around the red marks on my thighs. You can see them still today which makes me happy. Much too soon we are in DB. i take His hand and we start to walk. Heading for total submission.

The walk.

Ofcourse we were drinking coffee and talking a lot. i had to tell Him what i saw looking into the mirror observing myself. Looking thru His eyes. Which i find difficult but He helped me. Letting me know that we also will do this together. While He is standing behind me He tells me what He sees. His hands touching me everywhere. In the end i'll see my body the way He sees me. Desirable. That's the intention.
We're going into the Cathedral. There i had to point out the spots that stimulate my fantasy. Telling Him about it. There were too many people around to do something exciting. But in my mind i can still feel my Owners hand grabbing my behind or He pushing me against the wall.

We're in a shopping street. T. is mumbling something about a fitting room. Some nervous giggling from my side. Reluctantly i follow Him, entering a shop where they are selling clothes i never should wear. T. looks at me with a 'the clothes doesn't matter' glance. Purposeful He walks to the fitting rooms and i follow Him. i keep laughing nervously and whispers to Him that we have to take some clothes with us to try on. Aren't we? At the fitting rooms there's a man waiting for his wife. He observes us with curiosity. Making me more giggling and faint-hearted. T.'s walking back into the shop, i follow Him as a good girl. He takes the first garment He sees and walks back to the fitting rooms. The curious man is still waiting there. T. walks to the room at the very end, placing the plush furnished stool in the doorway. He sits down. i have to undress me. The curtain isn't closed. i hear the wife of the curious man saying she has no breasts. i chuckle. Meanwhile T. is groping me everywhere. Looking at me. In this far too bright light. After a while i'm allowed to dress myself. Imperturbable T. says this garment isn't good for me. We're walking back into the shop. i feel the eyes of curious man burning in my back. Like a naughty, little girl.
Outside, my hand in His. With strain i can suppress the urge to frolic. Exuberant, that's how i feel. Then He says;
"Well, and now we're going to the sexvideotheque. The one with the cabines."

This story, you have to wait for. Patiently. ;-)

Naked

So much to write about, but i can't. Besides; my brains seems to be made of jelly. Do you recognise this symptom? Bright young (ahum) lady changes into a giggling creature talking nonsense as soon as her Owner is in sight.
Yeah, there it is. Owner. T. doesn't like the word Master. So other words are needed to define the D/s relationship we're in. Even though it's a beginning relationship. i like the word Owner. It's a beautiful word. T. seems to take and desire ever more and i'm delighted about that. He feels more and more as my Owner, Possessor, Tormentor. Especially the Tormentor this weekend by sending me titillating e-mails. Making me restless, craving. Giving me scary shivers because of the delicious tortures He is thinking about.



Early tuesday morning i'll stand before a mirror, naked. At His request. i'll look at myself, from top to toe. This doesn't bother me, i like myself. But imagining He's looking at me is something different.
See yourself as your Owner sees you: My subbie thru My eyes.
Then i feel insecure and very vulnerable. Then i find it very difficult to look at myself. My soft, round, lushy curves are so very round and lushy. i notice every unevenness. Preferably i wanna cover my body and don't look again. But i will look at myself, observe every inch of this body. Because He wants me to.
See yourself in complete defencelessness and devotion mo, see your body in all her beauty and be aware that I wish to see you, to grope you, I wish to use and abuse you, hurt you, slap you.
i answered that i was fully aware of all of this. And probably He will observe me in full daylight where you can see every knob. No soft pink light which makes the skin glow and tarnish all unevenness. i seem to have a soft skin. Vulnerable, that's how i will feel. Please, don't look at me. Use and abuse me, hurt me, spill Your semen on and in me, but please don't look at me. Ever so frail in this too big body.

Ofcourse He wíll look at me, i'll feel His glance burning on me. With inhibited breath ánd belly i'll surrender myself to Him. Full of trust. He'll see my dedication and fragility.

Tuesday you will be Mine!

Trust

Photograph; Little pet by HOTgraFX

Trust is one of the posts in a relationship. Since the very beginning i feel familiar with T. And when we met RL that tuesday and saw each other for the first time that familiar feeling was still there, the trust. After this meeting, as you could read, i felt jumpy, yearning and dreamy. The promiss T. made to see each other again made me happy. And that's an understatement.

The friday after i received a mail from Him that made me more restless. He wrote He was travelling North, passing my hometown.

Do you travel a bit along with Me?

i send Him a mail back in which i describe a sexy story about what will happen when i get in the train. i had a busy weekend so fortunately not much time for craving but ofcourse sometimes my thoughts were wandering. At monday i send Him a sms;

and....did You see me waving at You?

That monday i was busy working. Tuesday goes by. Since friday there was this loud silence. i began to worry. i mail Him that it was a week ago that we met, so nearby, but it also seems so far away. That everything is softly glowing inside of me.

Wednesday...... silence. i try to banish my growing agitation; i do know T. is a busy man, travelling a lot because of His work. He made me this promiss to be clear, that He won't drop me. Because of the betrayed trust in former relationships i didn't manage to suppress my insecurity. i feel embarrassed about this. In the evening i feel so much stress that i mail Him about my restless, insecure feelings. Fortunately at thursdays it's also very busy at work, but when i finally arrive home, i immediately open my mailbox. There it is; His name glistens towards me. i wait for awhile, dare not open it. Reading the first phrase takes away all turmoil. Radiant i continue reading.

Hi, sweet tumbling and restless subbie of Mine.

Again i read this phrase. Of Mine. These words make me glow. This is how i feel it, how i wanna feel. As a submissive i am His. His mail contains some virtual punishment.

Shame on you mo! Three times shame on you! Because you doubted me.

i dó feel ashamed, but i feel ashamed laughing 'cause i feel so happy right now! Indeed T. was travelling because of His work. He promisses me that from now on He'll not keep me ignorant when He's away. Because of this grace i need to fulfil a command. i'll do it with heartiness. More about that in a next blog.

Glowing i will enjoy my weekend. i feel good and renowned. From now on i will not feel insecure unrest. His words touching me deep inside, giving me peace and trust. More than.......

Exploring and recognition

In the train, on my way to DB where i'll meet T. for the first time, i sway being nervous. i switch the comfy boots i wear for the high heels i have with me in my bag. My thoughts wandering restless. To concentrate myself i take a bottle of nailpolish to do my nails. At last i've managed to grow the nails of the fingers of my right hand. Now i have to go for the left ones. Oh well, back to the train. i am very concentrated polishing my nails as a voice disturbs this concentration.
"Is this seat taken?" aiming at the seat next to me. Damn, i think, lots of seats in the train, why does this man had to take place next to me. Somewhat disturbed i look up and i am startled. For a second i'm not sure, i only saw two photographs of Him, besides He's coming from the south, another direction, but then, yes it really is Him; T. I am confused and start giggling while He sits down next to me. So close. He gives me a hug. Because of my nerves i keep still. i had expected to meet Him in DB., being prepared, drinking coffee somewhere with some distance between each other. But He's is sitting here next to me, very nearby, observing. Fortunately He isn't nervous and starts to talk and ask questions. When i have my nerves under control and doesn't feel the urge to giggle any longer i give Him some sane answers. Anyway i do hope so. Very soon i feel comfortable and i am amazed about the familiarity i feel with Him. Almost from the very beginning. While the contact so far was based upon e-mail, some sms and 2 telephone conversations. The power of words. Soon we're talking about D/s relationships, SM experiences. Sometimes i'm derived by the ear of a young man in front of us. i can see his ear between the 2 seats, he's wearing headphones but i'm wondering if he might hear us.
After a while, finally relaxed, i experience the thoroughness of T. He places his long coat over our legs so that He can check if i'm wearing a slip. He already had let me know that He's allergic of slips and pantyhoses. He always has a handy tool with Him; a Swiss knife. His announcement about the knife, i have to confess to you reader, highly fed my fantasies. Hm, allergic for slips and pantyhoses eh? Don't say that to me, i see it as a dare. But i am already nervous enough, so i didn't wear knickers and thights in stead of pantyhoses, sweet as i am. Honourable girl.
T. is inspecting me, feeling. His hand on my naked skin, He let it there to rest. i feel a bit shy, but T. calmly talks to me. That He had this idea not to get out in DB, but to travel further to my hometown. So He'd already seen me when He was passing me by in the train. Ofcourse i was nervous and didn't expect this so i didn't notice. He looks at me and smiles.

DB at a café. He drinks a beer, i drink cappucino. We are sitting in the back of the café. Next to each other. Because T. wanna feel my leg against his. Constantly. i find this very nice and warm. i dare not cross my legs. Ofcourse we're talking, exploring each other. He knows about my insecurity because of a former unpleasant experience. He makes clear that which way we will go to, whatever will happen, if we're going to walk together as D/s or not, He'll not hurt me or drop me. He protects me.
He smells good. It reminds me of a church. Wood, beeswax, incense. Gucci. His skin. He smells sweet. He tells me stories about His fantasies. Dark fantasies. i have to tell Him mine. My fantasies and desires. When i'm over my insecurity i do pretty good. T. is a gifted storyteller. Nice voice. He looks at me and tells me what He sees; the sub or the girl. Sometimes i show Him the slut. * Blush * He looks at me and tells me a new fantasy. i look Him deep in the eyes and let the story drag me along. Then i feel somewhat dizzy and suddenly i become very emotional. Softly crying. He asks me what happens, touching me, comforting me. i feel emotional because He is so very close, mentally. i am amazed about my strong trusty feeling, about the familiarity.

After that a walk thru DB. i put my hand in His. Full of confidence. Some ideas of Him i tell you about it in a next blog. Also about the dinner in a Greek restaurant which outbidded my naughtiest fantasies. For now i was always a well-behaved girl i suppose.

The evening. This beautiful day sometimes time seems to stand still. He and i alone in our little world, our time. The time that went too fast. On the station a kiss, saying good-bye. We certainly will meet again. Then i will sense Him even more intense. The pain He will give me out of affection. Then i will show Him my utterly nudity. Physical and mentally. i am longing for it...........

Photograph; But you can't hide by Fetishon