A new year is coming

And cheers to love and happiness for everyone!

P Winter wonderland P

Wishes and presents

December is the month of presents. The most precious gift this year is ofcourse the beginning D/s relationship with my Owner and the development of this relationship. My Owner allows me to buy some new toys that's on my wishlist, ofcourse after Hís approval. T. also has a wishlist, the items on this list amazes me, is making me swallow my nervousness but most of all gives me lots of butterflies.

Some items on Masters list are:

* a cappucino foamer (i hope this is the right english word); i didn't know about this thing, never saw it befor either. But it seems to deliver a pulse. So it doesn't surprise you i suppose that Master also wants to buy an electric fly swatter for the same intention.

* A hood with a big hole on the place where my mouth is. For several purposes of course. Can you imagine which ones? For some reason i always found hoods scary, but knowing now that i had to buy a hood for my Owners pleasure, the idea begins to enlight me in a delicious brrrrr way.

* An inflatable buttplug and more anal toys.

Happy holidays!

One dazzling year

Not much time to write these dark days before Christmas. I suppose everybody is busy those last days of the year. This slavegirl is still continuous a happy slavegirl. Some three weeks ago i met my Owner again. The last meeting this year. We didn't have much time, but it was enough to feel His dominance and pain. Too bad my body didn't co-operate, i couldn't bear much pain this time. Therefore i was mainly His servient slut. Disappointed that i couldn't be His painslut as well, but i had to promise T. that i don't allow myself this feeling of failure. Because i didn't, T. imprinted.

Meanwhile i received some wonderful, heartwarming mails from my Owner. Some kind of evaluation on our D/s relationship. We know each other for almost a year now. A dazzling year in which we explored each other and recognize, we dare to love one another, and we develop our interaction as Master and submissive. A development in which T. becomes more cruel, more sadistic. To my great fear, but such a delicious, divine fear.

Master gives me permission to purchase some toys (after He approves my choices ofcourse) for my special toys attaché case. :-D And as i saw my Owners Wishlist the butterflies started fluttering along my spine. Ooooops, i swallowed, so scary but yummie scary. So if time become more quiet again i have a lot to write about. I suppose 2009 becomes even more intense. I wish all of you readers some warm, delightful holidays!

x°x°x

Candle

Left photo by J.P Fishbein, right photo by Stranahan.

Yes Sir, all is spick-and-span

On my dutch blog i sometimes post a picture labeled under 'Pulp'. Because i love this kind of pictures a lot. So here is the first one overhere. Enjoy!

Nasty red

When T. gave me the instruction to let grow my left little fingernail, i thought 'nice instruction.' At that time i didn't realize that this instruction turned out to be a subtle way to deepen my submissiveness. My little fingernails are growing the quickest, so it didn't take too long before i had a nice, moderate long nail on both my little fingers. I thought this was the beginning of eventually let grow all my fingernails 'cause i'm a nailbiter. I didn't see through that my Owner was especially interested in the left nail. So the nails of my little fingers are growing, i fulfill a given instruction that wasn't that hard, mission completed. I was satisfied with my progression and hoped that my Owner was as satisfied as i am. I didn't inform T. yet about my progression. And the satisfaction about myself wasn't appropriate. But this i only realize just now. But i'm way ahead of the facts.

During a thrilling soccergame of my youngest son, i was biting my nails. I am never aware of biting my nails, but suddenly i stopped and realized i bit off my left, or in fact my Owners left little fingernail. This sucked a lot and then the deeper meaning of T.'s instruction came thru. Suddenly i am more than aware of this (then bitten) nail. I still hadn't inform T. about my progress and didn't inform Him about this failure. But since that moment of perception i didn't bite my left little fingernail again.
As i meet my Owner again He wants to see my His nail. The nail has grown just a little bit, isn't worthwile enough. I tell T. about my failure. Despite of Your calm statement that the nail isn't good enough (yet) i notice Your hidden disappointment. This deepens even more my awareness about the nail and the desire not to disappoint You again.

Then the nail has an appealing length. At least long enough to paint it. I take care of the nail, i had bought some stuff like nailhardener and topcoat etc. I paint the nail in a dark purple. While i do this i feel dancing butterflies upon my spine. I am more than aware of T.'s Dominance over me. Taking care of and painting the nail, making me feel intensely the slave i am. I am doing this for Him, my Master who ownes me, because He wants me to do this. And i can assure you dear reader, for a nailbiter like me, not biting nails is hard. So sometimes i still bite except the little fingernails. I send T. some pictures of His nail. He tells me about colors and that He also likes a nasty red. He didn't order anything but i understand what i have to do. At the pharmacist in my neighborhood i buy me the nastiest red they have. I remove the dark purple and in upper concentration i paint His nail nasty red. These acts feel like a ritual. T. feels very close at that moment. The nail isn't mine anymore, the nail is His. Property. Pleasant impulses tickle everywhere. It isn't so much the act or the instruction that arouses me, but the feeling of my humility to His wish. He prescribes and i follow. I admire His outstanding flaming red nail. He's so obvious, but at the same time so subtle present as a sign of me being owned. Taking care of the nail, painting it, like a ritual; it feels like a collar. This beautiful red nail is His. The psychological effect of His dominance over me feels so good and exciting and deeply, deeply submissive. That something 'simple' like this can have such an huge impact. It amazes me and makes me feel grateful, humble ánd aroused as well. The nail is still growing to a elegant length and i am looking for an even more nasty red.

Heavenly surrender

Photograph by Stuart

i'll make you a prayer,
a heavenly surrender.
To the one somewhere out there.
The one who can mend her.
i pray for the one,
Who can open my door.
Let me go through,
oh yes, give me more.

i pray for the lover,
the willing intender.
To break down the door
of heavenly surrender.

i only make love to Jesus,
i only f**k God.
i only make love to Jesus,
i only f**k God.

i crave your violent,
Acted upon me.
Set me free by your
weighted autonomy.
i am so human,
so small, so debased.
Jealousy and darkness roll over this place.

i pray for the lover,
a willing intender.
To break down the girl,
a heavenly surrender.

i only make love to Jesus,
i only f**k God.
i only make love to Jesus,
i only f**k God.

i'm a lover of freedom,
But i cling to the dusk.
i'm blown by the wind,
i'm a slave;
i am lust.
Roll my face in
the shit that i sleep in.
Tie me and bind me
up for your keeping.

i'll make you a prayer,
a heavenly surrender.
To the one somewhere out there.
The one who can mend her.

i only make love to Jesus,
i only f**k God.
i only make love to Jesus,
i only f**k God.
i only make love to Jesus,
i only f**k God.
i only f**k God.
i only f**k...

Lyrics by Queen Adreena

Travelling

° Click ° ° Click °

Expectation * Our hazy, little world

After a drink in the bar of the hotel, my Owner and i walked back to our room. There i had to undress myself again. Kneeling in front of the bed, You push my head downwards. I thought i was clear that evening, but as i think back to it, i notice that i don't know the right rank of what happened. Pink clouds in my head obstructing clear thinking. I was further in space then i thought i was. I don't remember if You used the belt again on me. Or if You immediately groped and pinched me.

Two fingers deep in me, three, four...... You ask me why i didn't stretch myself at home. 'Cause You notice it goes tiring. Meanwhile You push four fingers inside me, back and forth. Continuously faster. Hard. I don't remember if You pushed Your whole hand inside of me. But i know i was very aroused and came spurting. You continue and i hear the lewdness in Your voice as You snap one humiliation after another at me. I slip away in my hazy little world. Where we are alone. You and i. Where i loose myself in Your spirit. My face in the blankets, i hear Your voice stirring us up. Feeling Your hand deep inside of me, while Your other hand is pushing my head down. Suddenly You penetrate me deep, fucking me with a pent-up rage i've never experienced before. Harsh. Heated. I hear Your humiliating words, but it's only sound. The meaning doesn't get through. Hazy and warm. I feel while Your grip in my hair strenghten. Pulling my head backwards. Then i feel the first slap in my face. Not only my cheek is glowing. More slaps follow. Hazy and warm. i feel as the last slap overwhelms me. For a moment darkness in my head and astonishment. Stars. I see stars as You help me to stand up. Taking me by the hand and lead me to the shower. And i know what comes next.

I'm sitting on the cool tiles. Bent head. The hazyness in my head is gone and a cool intelligibility calms my heated thoughts. Notices how small the shower is. How this space is filled with great expectations. How my stomach contracts because of the nervously fluttering butterflies. I look up and see Your concentrated face above me. I smile. You too find it difficult to piss under pressure. The pressure of expectations this time. I open my mouth, but close it nervously as i feel how the first drops spatter on my face. It's a little stream so i carefully open my mouth again to receive some of Your piss. I feel emotional as i taste You. As i swallow You. Your salty taste linger against my palate. I was afraid that i had to throw up, but i didn't. I get all warm inside. The little stream stops. I giggle.

'That's a stream of nothing.' i hear You mumble. Your face even more concentrated. I take You in my mouth and taste. Time seems to stand still. In the silence of this cool, white space, where a second seems to be an eternity, i wait patiently while i take in Your face. As i open my mouth again, and my tongue hesitating sticks out, i suddenly see a great relief on Your face that uncovers a big smile. A salty, warm beam touches my face, tongue and heart while i swallow, taste, swallow and notice how Your warm fluid clear a way through my body. Grateful i am that this first time the stream wasn't that plentifull. You put on the warm shower as i hide in Your arms. After which You tenderly wash Your dirty girl. I show You my gratitude by many, many little-girl-kisses.

P_E_A_C_E

Photography: Herr Buchta

Hazy girl, craving slut, dominated slave

My head still full of holded sessions, i walk after work towards the hotel. After textmessaging my Owner, He awaits me in front of the entrance. Suddenly i see his silhouette so i walk faster. We kiss each other and He guides me inside the hotel. In the elevator the kissing is more intense and i feel His hands everywhere.
'i have to recover my breath from work....' i begin the conversation.
'you don't get that chance my girl.'
He looks amused as He interrupt my rising stream of words. In our room He takes of my coat and i have to kneel in front of the bed. He pushes my upper body upon the bed and pulls my tights and knickers down. All kind of nervous thoughts shoot thru my mind. My mind still full of work. Because of the tights i can't spread my legs as wide as i should.
'Remember mo, that we're in a hotel. Those are thin-walled so you can't make much noise.'
I swallow. Then i hear this delicious but at the same time nervous making sound of His belt. His belt that He pulls from His trousers. This instantly effects my craving cunt that contracts. His fingers in me. Soaking wet. I prepare myself to bear the first blow. A little bit scared. 'Cause doesn't Master warms me up? Doesn't He build the blows? I'm so full of the working day. Without building it hurts a lot and i can't make any noises. These thoughts were crossing my mind as i feel the first blow ending up somewhere. Oh terrible bliss! Delicious terror. I suffocate my screams in the blankets. The belt is fierce and ruthless, i remember it again. Blow after blow lands on my bum and i can feel the glowing. My thoughts become somewhat hazy. I cannot make any sounds and this arouses me a lot.
'Do you know why I use the belt mo? Why do I choose the belt?'
My hazy head can't come up with anything so T. helps His slut.
'Because...... slap a belt..... slap doesn't make.... slap slap slap much noise, mo..... slap slap slap That's why.'
T. helps me to stand up because i have to undress myself. Then He ties me up in a tight breastbondage. I used to find this scary, but now it feels great and it gives me a safe feeling. He pulls the ropes very tight.
It's delicious how those tits of mine so beautifully turn darkred slut. Your Owner enjoys this very much.
Contented He examines His work. My breasts are very sensitive and the bondage intensifies this even more. He pushes me on my knees. Me kneeling before Him, longing. He opens His trousers and eagerly i take Him in my mouth. Slowly He fucks His gluttonous slutmouth, but as i become too inspired He pulls back. I have to kneel before the bed again, upper body upon it. Master massages my shoulders and back. The last bits of tension of the day drain away. His warm hands stroking and softly pinching me. His nails scratching my skin. The pinching and scratching become more malicious. The stroking turns into beating. Master spanks my bum and also He takes the belt again. I have to stand up so He also can blow the front of me. Severe blows by hand on my breasts which are more sensitive than ever. I squeak, trying to stand still. My hands in a reflex are foiling, while my desire is asking for more. Please Master, give me more, please!
'Stand still mo. And take your hands away or else I have to bind them.'
A slap in the face. Blows on my breasts. Ouch! Ouch! Again my hands foiling. Master ties them on my back. Then pegs on my nipples. These are giving a sharp pain, but my Owner is unyielding for my shrieks. And i don't feel this pain anymore. The blows on my tits are deducting. Harsh, malicious blows. Making me dancing and lamenting. His eyes on me making me dizzy. His smile and excitement that warms my heart. I adore Him. Hazy girl, craving slut, dominated slave that gives herself away. He, pushing me again on my knees, squeezing my head in the blankets, pulling my hair as He abuses me. Who makes me come again and again. Who isn't only colouring my breasts and bum, but most of all my soul.

Reprise

In the meantime a short report for the impatient readers. ;-) I am aware of the fact that i repeat myself, but i only can say that meeting my Owner was as intense, tempestuous, emotional, hard but caring, eleborate and warm as ever. And ofcourse i wished we had more time. Delicious pained bottom, a breast with lots of colours; red, dark purple, blue, green and yellow. The next day no-one could wipe that huge smile from my face, i was só annoying happy and cheerful. And this girl wasn't floating from bliss, no i was very lively and had tons of energy.
So far for this time because i have a very busy weekend. New blogs about this meeting are coming, but i have to tease your patience for a while.
Every-one; enjoy your weekend!

Un peu nerveux

Photograph: Gilles Berquet

Chat

As T. mailed me to get ready for Him on monday-evening 'cause we're going to chat my girl, my heart jumped. He's not exactly a man who chats, so this was very special. Maybe this was my reward for being such a patient slave, waiting in silence for the attention from my busy Master.
In the beginning we were talking about daily (vanilla) life but the sexual tension between us was obvious. Very naturally our 'buddies-feeling' transformed into a Master-slave mood. Wobbling and giggling i couldn't resist the urge to dare my Owner with wordplay. Then T. commanded me to put on the cam and i wasn't that cheeky any longer. Very aware of the fact that my Owner observes me i tried not to pick my nose or make funny faces. ;-) It's a pity that T. doesn't have a cam so He's observing me and i try to be as pretty as i can.

He commands me to place two pegs on my nipples. Now He's observing me, it's impossible to smuggle. It has been too long ago therefore ai! it hurts a lot. As i'm on my own i replace the pegs to a less sensitive spot, but not now. I swallow the pain that travels thru my body and after a while i don't feel the pain as pain. This slavegirl is getting excited and i feel that i'm very moist. I have to put in the big dildo. T. wants me to aim the cam on my cunt so that He can see it very clear. I have to put in the dildo very deep and masturbate with it. But i'm not allowed to orgasm! Everytime as my Owner informs me about this i get even more aroused. When it becomes too much i stop only a short time. Then i have to aim the cam on my face again and continue with masturbating myself with the dildo. My fluttered face.
Subtly T. reminds me on that time in a hotelroom; me astride on a chair, T. in front of me, watching me as i had to finger myself for the first time. Oh how shy i was, a bit anxious i couldn't manage to come because of this strong embarrassement.
The memory had the effect on me that T. desires; i am shy again and a bit embarrassed. Feeling this small excites me a lot. My Owner types commands and remarks. I don't have to answer but focus on the situation. Soon i loose myself totally in my excitement, the attention of T. and His eyes observing me. Actually i can feel them, heating every inch of me. As i read the words
'Now you may come!'
on the screen i drown in a delightful orgasm. I'd never thought that i could orgasm on command.

As i come down again, i suddenly feel the stinging pain from the pegs on my nipples. Oh my, it's time to face my fear. Removing the pegs. And it hurts! I feel the sting red-hot shooting thru my body. Carefully and protective i place my hands on my nipples.

My Owner decides that His slut hasn't had enough so our conversation intensifies. He whips me up with His exciting, horny, humiliating words and this slut doesn't feel embarrassed any longer about the cam aiming upon her. T. can read every emotion on my face, the movements from the dildo so deep in my cunt unburdened on the screen. After five tempestuous blasts it is enough.
When it's time to shut down T. let me know that the images of His horny slut are burned upon His retina. They're engraved in His memory. His words of excitement, longing and approval echoing in my thoughts. I will sleep like a baby.

PS; coming thursday i will meet T. again. Yippeeeee!

Prayer

Art by Heavenly Hussys

Images that make my head spin

Because of the minimal contact between T. and myself i was weary and calm. But after a number of delicious text messages from my Owner the submissive in me started to sparkle again. I woke up in a very sunny mood and thoughts about my Owner excited me. I sended a morning greeting and the question if i was allowed to come.

I give you an orgasm-command; you're allowed to come on the toilet the way I've teached you. Like a dirty girl, the horny obliging piss-slut of your Owner.

This answer makes me feel small. Those words; dirty, horny, obliging piss-slut are affecting me somehow. They feel humiliating and degrading. But my body-reactions make very clear that those affecting words arouses me very much.
I am wondering if i had to pee in my pantyhose or if i have to pee over my hand and then taste it. Given that i have to do it on the toilet i choose for the last option. To finger myself on the toilet does a lot to me. It feels disparaging and very, very slutty. To do this on the wc is dirty, to me that is. Probably acquired behavior from my childhood; the toilet is a dirty place. So dirty piss-slut is a correct definition. * blush * Nevertheless without any shame i sit down astride. As i start to pee i hold my hand in the warm spurt of piss and don't hesitate a bit. It almost feels trusted already. It arouses me ever more. Because T. wants me to do this. Because He's thinking of me at that very moment, knowing what i'm doing. As the piss runs down my hand, suddenly i smell it much stronger and very aware, i almost come. Because i'm thinking of my Owner, imagining how He would piss over me. His smell in my hair, His taste in my mouth. How would that be? I never could presume that i'm craving for it right now. These thoughts that make me come without using my fingers. But i can hold my orgasm. I wanna enjoy this intense excitement a little bit longer. Conscious tasting and smelling my pee. Because as i stop pissing, i place my fingers in my mouth and taste myself. I feel light-headed. T. buzzes in my thoughts. Carefully i lick my fingers. Feeling embarrassed but oh so horny. So terribly aroused. Thoughts on my Owner are connecting us, as if He's standing next to me.

i can feel His firm grip in my hair, pulling my head backwards.
"Open your mouth!"
i see His penetrating glance before He pisses in my mouth and i don't let it run but i swallow and swallow and heave and swallow and taste. Him. i don't wanna spill a drop. And my Owner burns in my stomach. He glows on my cheeks after the slap in the face.

Deep i push my fingers inside of me and roughly moving them in and out. Rough and hard, so that i dispel my intense craving to my Owner. In between i hit my cunt and then again..... rough and hard. Even harder because this craving hurts. As an orgasm arises i push my fingers deeper and start to pee again. The orgasm overflows me and gets on for a long time. While images of my Owners eyes observing me, his hands torturing me and His warm piss that runs over me are making my head spin.

'Lift me up, lift me up ooooooh lala lala.'

Cocoon

Is it because of autumn? At the moment i don't have any words. Though i have a lot to write about; the Pavlov effect for instance, or am i a devoted slave? Because also towards T. i don't have any words. So i shove the commands away. I live inside of my head; introverted, most comfortable when painting, drawing, listening to music and in the evening not behind the computer but in my warm bed, reading. My cocoon, a safe, warm little nest. I'm feeling great but i am less communicative. I read all your posts but for you i also have no or less words at the moment. It will come in time, i hope rather quick. Because i have so much to write about but my nest is so comfortable, warm and safe.
Nevertheless i hope to leave this nest very soon to meet my Owner again. It has been too long ago. He is very busy with a big rebuilding at His place so our communication was minimal. Or doesn't He mail me 'cause i still haven't written anything and the commands pile up? He is disappointed. Is that the reason of his silence? I miss Him so much, but i don't tell Him 'cause i am a big girl. Does He miss mé? I crave for Him; his dominance, his inflicted pain, his arms around me. But i don't have any words to tell him what i feel. So i make this cocoon to dream dreams full of desire and meekness. Without words.

That He understands His girl

That evening i received the following textmessage from T. that warmed my heart:
Resigned girl of me, keep faith and courage because your are Mine! Mail me, if necessary short ones, but stay with me! I am fond of my girl, sub and slut.

He commanded me to come twice, with clamps on my labia. That evening i received much more textmessages from my Sir and i returned as much answers. And two times became more......

I was so happy with my Owners reaction. I still have to get used to the idea that T. also cares about me if i suffice little to his wishes sometimes. That He doesn't get angry if i am at times less submissive. That He understands his girl. That He doesn't feed my insecurity but takes it away and replace strength and love instead. So totally different from my former experiences. Now i experience how a D/s relationship supposed to be. Ofcourse i knew already in my dreams but didn't experience it before. T. doesn't need to profile his dominance by anger and pushing me down. He brings me to submission by his insight, his understanding and love. And perhaps He's disappointed about the neglected (soon completed) commands, but He doesn't bring this out when i'm not with him. Because He knows that will make me worrying about it, cogitating. Sure He reminds me at times about the neglection, but He doesn't show his disappointment about it yet. He knows that i'm not neglecting them out of unwillingness. He knows i respect his commands. But when we're together He will let me feel his discontent about it. Harsh but lovingly. Meanwhile i grate myself even more comfortable in my nest and notice how words bubble up again. Meekness becomes craving energy.

Thank God for Owners who understand how to get their girls on their knees again. ;-)

Moonlighted garden

I sowed myself a garden. You're invited to take a walk......
or dream about fairytales.

Impact; letter to my Owner

Being Your piss-slut has far more impact than i ever thought it would be. As i received your textmessage in which you gave me the command to be ready for Your phonecall at half past eleven it started to tickle. Everywhere. Nervous but excited. Because Your instructions made very clear what Your intentions are.
The photographs i sended You; on which i pee and even put my fingers in my mouth, did charm You. The embarrassement got a grip on me in full fierceness as You told me that i was a dirty girl. You spoke about the pictures; Such a dirty slut you are, doing all this kinda stuff.

I love it as you speak to me in that way. Suddenly i felt very small. As You put it this way, pointing it out, it feels humiliating. The slut wasn't a braggart any longer but transformed into this little girl. Shame about my behaviour. But such a delicious shame. Meanwhile no sane words came out of my mouth any longer.

What are you mo? Tell me.

A dirty girl Master.

What do you say? Say it again, but now more clear. What are you mo?

A dirty girl T.

Yes mo, you áre a dirty slut. Now i wanna hear it loud and clear. What are you mo?

A dirty slut T.

And who's dirty slut are you?

i am Yóur dirty slut Master.

Finally i could pronounce these words loud and clear without nervous giggling. That made me Yours very deep and intense. Especially the little girl stayed on the foreground this time. I don't act as a little girl, i ám. That's how i feel at that very moment. It surprised me as i heard myself so evident and therefore saw myself.

You ordered me to drink lots of water until You call. I did this properly. I didn't wear underwear but thights and high heels. Also Your command. As You called me i had this very strong urge to pee, i even was worried if i could hold it. But there you have it; sometimes i can't hold my pee, but at the moment You command me: Piss slut! i can't. Little bits of pee and then nothing..... I concentrate myself on peeing while i hear Your voice in my ear, i squeeze and yes a little bit more. Little bit. Not the flood you wished to hear and i willingly wanted to give You. When we finished our phone call You instructed me to piss once more in my pantyhose. In the bathroom, alone, it did came. I felt my warm moistness and as i fingered myself in Your command i smelled myself. My warm, heated piss. The smell confused me. It wasn't really dirty, but extremely penetrating. Ofcourse i have smelled piss more often, but then it didn't reach me, i think i could preclude the smell of it. But now the scent got through deeply and touched me. Also as You on the phone command me to lick my wet fingers this intense, confusing smell. A metallic, heavy scent. A slightly bitter, salty taste. It made me a bit faint. The smell lingered for a long time. Even as i participate again my daily activities, go shopping etc. A faint feeling in my stomach. Nervousness. I was surprised by this nervous feeling and i examined where this feeling come from. I didn't find the answer, but some indications. The smelling and most of all the tasting made clear this isn't my 'thing'. The excitement i experience has to do with my dedication. I am doing this because You, my Owner demands me. That's why i like this. But therefore also this tension i think. This is about total surrender, this makes me more than ever Your slave. Your property. Grrrrr i can't find the right words. Submissiveness and devotion. To be, just to be. Yours. Slave.

As i smelled myself this strong, so thís is how slavegirl smells, i had to cry. This all has great impact on me dear T., my beloved Owner. Astonishing, intense, confusing, enchanting.

A heartfelt kiss from Your slave, Your mo.

More pictures.

I will be silent for a (little) while because my illness (a muscle disease) hinders my writings at the moment.

That needs punishment

Geez, i was a bad slave unintentional. During the good-bye at our last meeting, my Owner still had an instruction for me. I bite my nails, so T. wants me to let grow the nail of my left little finger. Building it up quietly, so that's very sweet of him. This shouldn't be too hard 'cause there are nine nails left to nibble on. Right? But i must point out that i bite my nails unthinkingly. I'm not aware that i'm doing it. Until last wednesday. I was biting my nails, also the left ones and suddenly i was aware of it very much. Too late. Ofcourse i stopped immediately, but nevertheless i was a bad, bad girl. I love long fingernails, so i hope i can manage. (Ofcourse i can manage, i wanna please T., making him happy)

Furthermore i'm a bit confused about my rebellious behaviour. As i already defined in an older post, there are quiet some instructions i received from my Owner but didn't do. Not because of nastiness but (even worse in fact) because of indolence. Also; i don't obey my Owners rules. I'm on an orgasm-ban again. Thursday evening i was lying on my bed, reading a bit and my mind wandered of to my Owner. As always; thinking of my Owner arouses me. Very much. So i sended him a text message asking him to allow me to cum. There was no answer. Because i was very tired i fell asleep as a good girl. The next morning i didn't have to get up early and yes.... i was weak and rebellious. Against the rules of my Owner i fingered myself to a climax. After it, i felt guilty and confessed this misbehavior to T.
Orgasm without permission of your Owner?! Tonight penance: four pegs thirty minutes on your slutcunt. Is that clear? was the short textmessage i received from T. while i was at work. Immidiately followed by; Extra punishment: fifteen minutes two pegs on your nipples. I only could answer with a timid yes Master. Feeling very small and guilty.

In the evening, after work i immidiately accomplished my Owners command. I placed four pegs on my labia and after fifteen minutes two on my nipples. Two pegs on my labia and the two on my nipples hurt a lot. My sensitive nipples on which i can stand little. Sometimes as i have a command like this i replace the pegs as they hurt too much ( i know; not a good girl at all) but this time i didn't. This is punishment so i was strict, in fact my Owner was strict through me. So i didn't replace the painful pegs. At first this was difficult, but i endured. I was focused on my Owner and the punishment. The pain is the punishment and i did deserve this pain. So i accepted it and persisted. Slowly the pain drained away and became bearable. It shrined and hurted. Yeah i know, sometimes i am a dolt. Because i did this for my Owner, hís command, it felt good and comforting my heart.
After thirty minutes i removed the pegs. Ouch, thát hurts. A textmessage to T. making clear that i completed the punishment and ofcourse i thanked him. In spite of (or must i say because of) the pain i was very wet. I didn't feel any mental excitement at that point, more meekness and gratitude. But as i thanked T. for the punishment also the mental excitement stroke. Feeling that small, humble and submissive arouses me very much. An incorrigible slut i am afraid. The next morning i was teasing my Owner by sending him naughty textmessages. My heart missed a beat as my cellphone jingled. The voice of my Owner, in which i could hear amusement and
severity as well, immidiately transformed this rebellious, provoking slut into a giggling, shy girl. Suddenly i didn't braggart any longer. T. adjusted an orgasm-command while He was listening to me. And i didn't have that much time 'cause He was busy. Giggling girl was a good girl and didn't disappoint her Owner at that moment.

Range of colouring

So beautiful what trust can bring. During the last meeting with my Owner i haven't felt fear for one second. Not even while He was fisting me. Because of this i could take more, also on my (very sensitive) breasts. Although i didn't dare to look at the very tight breastbondage. How they change color from red to a bluish dark purple. First i may carefully touch them and then ofcourse T. let me look at them anyhow. I used to find it scary but i loved it, not scary at all. A great unforseen circumstance of the tight bondage is that the breasts very quickly mark. Beautiful screaming red and blue spots. My left tit wasn't as tight tied on as the right one and showed less marks from my Owner. I am so proud of these marks of love. My right tit still has marks colouring from dark purple to blue to green and yellow. Hmmm strange creatures we submissive girls are. I can imagine this sounds weird if you don't have a thing with SM. But i am standing in front of the mirror again and again to admire my coloured bum and bruised breasts.

Not even a week ago i met my Owner but i miss Him already very much. Probably because my shiny little cloud slowly disolves. And reality hits me in the face once again. T. sends me a textmessage that He also wants his girl with him, craving to torture her. This comforts me a bit. In between our meetings the connection consists exclusively of mail and textmessages. Mostly very intensive i must say. But after a meeting i have this strong urge to talk on. Our form of contact is hard work, because sometimes i miss the leash and become disorganized. I've read some old posts again and not following my Owners Instructions or in fact pushing them forward is a returning issue. Nonetheless this shouldn't happen because i feel T.'s slavegirl in every bodyfibre. And this feeling is getting stronger after each meeting. So i don't understand how this works for me. I'm not only his slave when i'm with Him. This feeling is always there, inside my heart and being. Hm, this girl is going to work very hard at obeying my Owners Instructions and perhaps be more in focus. For now i strongely feel that my disorder is the reason why i doesn't feel the leash as strong as i want it to feel. Grrrrrr sometimes i don't understand myself. Oh well the consequence of my carelessness are those beautiful blue spots, although....... I even get those if i'm sweet and obedient. Just thinking.

i may enclose Him

Kneeling on the hard floor i await my Owner with a butterfly heart full of expectations. As He stands before me, He opens his pants and i inhale with passion his scent. His scent that stuns me and summons dark desires. He puts his hands on my head and pushes his Cock in my eagerly mouth. I taste him and preferably i wanna suck him in deep, but He warns his slut to slow down. To suck him isn't allowed, i have to feel and explore. With my tongue i explore his already trusted masculinity, the swelling, the beginning of his head, i circle around the top, feeling the little hole, also feeling how He grows in my warm mouth. For a moment my mouth and tongue are at rest. Silently i'm sitting at his feet, enjoying this intimacy. This calmness is special; where i otherwise hungrily suck and lick, this silence is making me more than aware of his Cock, the one i crave so often. Then i take his balls in my mouth, feeling titilating little hairs, softly i suck in his balls. His hands on my head is giving me security. Again i take his Cock in my mouth, and it's very hard not to suck and giving pleasure. T. pulls back, walking away to fetch the cane. Desirous i lick my lips, i wanna taste and drink him so badly. My desire is granted 'cause T. is pushing his Cock in my mouth again. Deep. Meanwhile He's beating my bum with the cane, while his other hand is grabbing my hair firmly. His hand grabbing my hair is giving desires. Making me to suck like a fanatic, hungry, it's stronger than me. How harder the blows, how deeper i suck my Owner in, meanwhile taking care of that i don't accidently use my teeth because of the pain.

"Feel me deliberately mo, what's the difference as i beat you?"

His Cock in my mouth is a consolation as He's beating me this hard, a support, a lifebuoy. This pleases him and that makes me happy. He pushes his fingers inside of me to notice that i'm very excited. Humiliating words towards me, making me even more excited. I suck him in deeper, measuring his reactions. Searching for his most sensitive spots and i'm delighted as i notice his reactions. Doing my most utterly best, T. is pushing hard and deep, He's fucking my mouth till the shank. Sometimes i heave, which i try to suppress. But this arouses my Owner, so i receive him as deep as possible. Then He pulls back, which disappoint me 'cause i wanna please him, giving him what He deserves. That time will come but for now my Owner doesn't wanna cum yet. He's pushing me firmly against his belly, a heartfelt embrace. I feel his warm and soft belly, i smell his delicious scent. His scent, tickeling my nostrils, making me wanna kneel for Him, enclosing Him with my warm mouth so that He can form me to that what's giving Him the most pleasure. His!

i am nothing and because of that everything

Photograph by Stranahan ° I know i scored something too

Does it excist; beyond ardent intensity? Even more intense and ardent as it was ever before? Yesterday i've experienced this is possible. I've had a lot of pain and mental humiliation, love and admission, beatings and firm hugs. Piss-slut as it wasn't meant to be, cock-worship in a new dimension, heavily tied up breasts while torturing them, anal defloration and it didn't hurt to my surprise. Why did i (once) had to say that i can take a lot on my cunt and so i could get it and felt it. Oh yeah, i felt it. Today delicious pained tits and bum. But most of all a satisfying mental happiness. For not a moment i felt fear, not even as T. had his hand deep inside of me. Everytime knowing each other better, so therefore more trust, more possibillities, more daring. Full of trust i was and totally focused on my Owner. At some point i wasn't there any longer, wheter i was T. Kneeling on the floor after severe beating i deeply felt my submission. At a level i've never felt before. Feeling oh so happy and gratitude overwhelmed me. I tried to describe what i felt, but i couldn't find the words. Lying on the floor, at His feet, i was complete His. I would do everything for Him, He could do whatever He wants to do with me. Searching for the right words to show Him my gratitude and feelings i came up with this: i am nothing and because of that everything. Does this make sense to you, do you know dear reader what i mean? Oh well, there will be another report about this meeting. As soon as i can find the words to describe how it is; T. and i, Master and slave, Tormentor and His .
For now i am glowing on my little cloud.

The essence

It has already been awhile back that T. in a subtle way leads me to a new path. He implants that little seed in my mind, waiting to sprout. Once in a while T. is giving the seed some food and the first buds are already visible. (Dry earth....blog)
T. had send me the url from the blog of sub lyn in which she describes how she becomes her Masters piss-slut.

'Little slut of me, give me your thoughts, your feelings, your fantasies and emotions while reading this post.'

Reading the post of sub lyn gave me mixed feelings. I understand her feelings and why she became a piss-slut, but for me? Sometimes i had this fantasy that T. is pissing upon my clit. A warm splash at that place seems yummie and exciting to me. But the prospective vision my Owner describes; drinking His piss and my own is making me shiver. The fear and shivering twinkles over my spine aren't unpleasant though. So i was curious where this idea from my Ower comes from. Is it because of the humiliation? Does it make Him horny? Or maybe both. Has this to do with power and my devotion to it?

As you know mo, in the life of a child peeing is óne of the issues in which guilt, atonement, humiliation and rewards are very important. On that moment in this young life you're rewarded as you hold your pee and as you empty your bladder in the right way; on your potty. And there is some rejection as you pee in your pants or on your bed. Rewardings and rejection are indissoluble connected with this 'holding-your-pee-phenomenon'. While later on in your life peeing has this private 'forbidden for others'character.

In our connection mo, this holding-up phenomenon and the accompanying rewardings and punishments will be turned around. If you are my piss-slut you'll be rewarded if you on unwanted places or in my command pee as I have instruct you. If you pee the 'normal' way you'll be punished for being obedient to this what is worn for years. This inversion of perspective mo, is worth it to examine together.

From this point of view slut of me, is let go of your pee at moments I desire and in the way I want you to do it, a condition of humiliation, degradation connected with shame and capitulation. Also is commanding that you MUST pee (equal to my commands that you múst cum) a delicious practise of power from your Owner over my possession who's obliged to humiliate and lower herself. Can you feel it on your spine subbie of me?

I know that if I wish you to be my piss-slut, you will be mo. These thoughts are making you horny slut and you already allow to rise some images in your imagination. To piss, little slut of me, has also to do with pure, hot Power and exciting Domination.

This explanation of T. makes me melt and touches deeply my submissiveness. Ofcourse i become T.'s piss-slut if He wants me to. Even though it will not be easy. Reading the experiences of sub lyn and of toy describing also her physical reactions of aversion while drinking her Owners piss, have not taken away my shivers and fear. But the essence of this all; the humiliation leading to feeling small and humble, His power over me, His girl doing all her best to please Him and the ultimate submission that's required for this are making the seed to root. Are making me wanna be His piss-slut. The essence is His ultimate Dominance over me and my devoted submission that's making me complete. And this essence also arouses me very, very much.

Art by Odd Nerdrum ° Twilight

Dark desires

Photograph by HOTgraFX

Only one night sleep and i'm seeing my Owner again. Nah, i'm not bouncing and craving. Do you believe that?

Lusty letters

Dry earth needs water

Art by Odd Nerdrum ° Pissing woman

Yes, the girl is back. I had a wonderful vacation, nice weather, lots of sun and the sea. And dry earth. The orgasm-ban was discarded, but there was one instruction from T. i had to accomplish:

this command means that you at some time seclude yourself to connect with me. This moment is chosen with care and commitment and during that moment you surrender yourself, like a devoted submissive. My posession surrenders herself to her rooted masochism and her deeply felt humility to her Master.

The place slutgirl of me can be the woods, into the mud, near a lake, in a river, lying in the sun, the museum etc..... On this specific place and at that chosen time you accomplish with all your energy and intentions a ritual of which you know that your Owner will appreciate it. A sacred act of which you know and feel that you fully become soaked of the knowing that you are Mine. My slut surrenders herself totally to her Owner, visible and complete. A moment on which you feel I'm with you. Knowing that I'm looking at you, that moment as I curl my lips out of horny pleasure. You are allowed to use everything; your body, your fluids, your own piss, your slutcunt, but most of all your own and unique fantasy and imagination.

During this act I oblige you to cum mo!


T. was travelling with me in my heart anyhow. Sometimes in the background and sometimes more clear present. The moment i drove upon the area of the little farm-campground in the middle of the Ardèche, France, i knew it. Here i will accomplish my command. A quiet campground, not so much guests. With a swimmingpool, which later on seems to be a private swimmingpool because it wasn't used often by the other guests.


A hot, sweltering day. Lazy i lie upon a blanket in the dry grass. My beloved hubbie decides to go shopping with the kids in the little town nearby. Because i'm daydreaming so lovely in the sun i don't go with them. For sure my men are away for an hour or more, so this is a perfect moment for the instruction T. gave me.

It seems like i'm the only one at the campground, such a quietness. If there's another person around, then i'm not aware of his or her presence. Lovely tranquility sometimes disturbed by a car on the road further on, and the sound withers in the distance. Soft chattering from the chickens, a buzzing insect or a lost bleating from a goat are making me peaceful and relaxed. I'm on my back looking at the blue sky. I shove the blanket upwards so that the dry grass sting my bum. I'm not naked, wearing my bathingsuit because the campgrounds owner is at home, at his farm a little bit further on. And perhaps there's a campgroundguest who is going for a walk. I focus my thoughts on T., my Possesor. The moongirl and her Sun. Sunbeams touching my body. The Sun doesn't warm me but sets me on fire. Unyielding Sun that makes me sweat. I spread my legs wide open and place my folded hands above my head. A posture that summons memories, making me crave for my Owner. I surrender myself to the Sun, the ruthless heat and my craving thoughts and fantasies. As soon as i spread my legs the desire is blazing and scorch my soul. Aroused girl. The sun is burning on my crotch making my thoughts hotter. Turning into a longing slut. I fantasize

that i'm naked. My hands and legs are affixed. My Owner in front of me on an easy chair. He has a delicious view on my wideopen cunt. The sun i called ruthless betrays my excitement. The fluid running slowely from my longing cunt is clearly, glistening visible. T. transformed my breasts into sunflowers. Colourless wooden pegs all round my tits and on my nipples the special darkbrown painted ones. Sunflowers are so apposite for southern France. Aches travelling thru my body to substantial tickeling my cunt, making it even more glistening. T. is holding a whip in his hand, sometimes beating the pegs with it in a teasing way.

"The dry earth here needs water girlie, and you take care of that."

Indeed, i become more and more liquid. After each malicious blow and the pain coming with it i feel sweat pearling on my skin. This sweat on my skin is transposed in my cunt. Thick drops of horniness.

"Disgraceful mo, how impudent you lay down here. So open wide and so obvious aroused."

So therefore i deserve hard blows on my cunt that makes me shrivel from pain. So far it's possible for a girl that's affixed on the ground. But my Tormentor knows no mercy and colours my disgraceful cunt deep red. Glowing, burning screaming red. His unapproachable glance upon me. I search his eyes but He doesn't look at me. His glance scorching every inch of my body. And i know, the sun doesn't know mercy, every flaw will be visible. I become very, very small. Suddenly He pierces his eyes into mine. For a moment i'm scared.

"And now you're going to pee mo, the earth needs much more water. You are going to pee while I watch you. Every minute passing by brings in a hard blow on your cunt. So, go ahead slut."

Oh my, i become nervous. I'm not sure if i can manage it. I don't know if i can pee on command and if someone is watching me. A hard blow on my cunt provoking a scream of pain makes clear that one minute has passed by. I recover myself and try to focus on the peeing. I can feel the urge, but somehow i hold it, i can't let it go. The second even harder blow provokes another scream and tears in my eyes.

"Tears are good mo. Valuable liquid for the dry earth."

So another hard blow swishes on my already glowing cunt. That wasn't the one minute yet. This blow was for the tears so it seems. Soon after that another blow. Wow, minutes pass by too fast. Now the tears are rolling over my cheeks. I'm aware that the blows will come disorderly and become harder each time. This consciousness is breathtaking, the pain strikes into awe. So much awe that suddenly i feel my pee running. This brings in a nice, glowing pain that makes me cum. The warm glance of my Owner makes me feel proud. The sound of the zipper of His pants and i am startled. Anxious i wait for what comes next. I knew one day this would become reality. Then T.'s piss splashes on my tormented cunt, setting it on fire even more. Again i cum. I've never experienced this before, but this feels good. Oh so humiliating but also very, very intimate. Warm and intense and i surprise myself as i naturally open my mouth to drink my Owners exquisite fluid. It's making me dizzy........

While i fantasize all this, far away in sunny France, i can feel T. very close to me. It moves me. My Owner implants this little seed; making me also his piss-slut (more about that later) and this little seed already starts sprouting in my fantasies. Drinking T.'s piss wíll become reality some day. That scares me but intrigues me at the same time. Meanwhile i was very excited, but didn't dare to masturbate at that spot. Perhaps there's someone in the neighbourhood, taking a walk. And i have the order to cum. During my fantasies i did tighten and relaxing the muscles of my cunt. Et voilá. As my fantasy did intensify on the peeing i overcame myself, and did a step across a border. I always thought i have nothing with peeing, being a piss-slut and all of that. But my excitement, the longing and craving for T., feeling Him so close to me, my stimulating thoughts and fantasies were making me pee at that moment for real. Because of that i felt intensely that i am the slavegirl of T. His Possesion, wanna make Him happy and pleased. I am His, even if He's not around me. That made me cum deeply. After my special ritual for my Owner i walked with my head in the clouds towards the swimmingpool. Fortunately there was nobody there 'cause i suppose that i looked silly with that biiiiiiiiiig smile on my face. First a shower before i slipped into the swimmingpool to cool off.

See you later!

This girl hits the road towards the sun and the sea. I wish you a nice breathtaking summer. See you later! Summerkisses for all of you.....

Dark sex by R. C. Hörsch

I’M GOING SHE SAID,
I SAID GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GET OUT, GET. AND HE THREW HIS TONGUE, HALFWAY DOWN MY BELLY-ROLL
THAT MOUTH, MOUTH, MAN 'O WAR MOUTH.
DEEPER AND DEEPER AND DEEPER, I DON’T CHOKE NO MATTER WHAT THE COUGH
HE SCRATCHED UP MY LEGS AND PULLED DOWN ALL I HAD ON
AND SCRATCHING AND DIG, DIG, DIG, AND HONEY SWELLS IT UP AND OUT AND LAPS IT UP
AND ALL OVER HIS FINGERS, MY LIPS AND TONGUE AND SHIT
I CAN’T GET, I CAN’T GET, I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF HOW HE GIVES IT.

HE SLAPS ME ON THE TABLE AND STICKS IT ALL FAT AND SOFT BETWEEN MY THOUGHTS AND HIS
IT GETS HARD, HARD, HARD, HARD AND ALL IN THE WRONG PLACE
SO I SAY REPLACE IT, HE POUTS AND HE PUMPS IT, I SAY DON’T, DON’T, DON’T DO THAT
C’MON, DON’T,. DON’T,
HE POUTS AND HE PUMPS IT HOME
AND THREE MINUTES LATER HE HITS IT TO HEAVEN, THEN OUT
I SAY THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S DONE, C’MON, THAT’S NOT HOW IT GOES
SO I SEW UP THE TEARS AND THE DUNGEON IT HEARTHROBS AND I WAS SCALING WALLS AND SEETHING,
JUST BREATHING, BREATHING IN YOUR STEAMING

AND I GOT GUNHOLDS AND HEAVEN IT’S SCREAMING, AND HEAVEN IT’S SCREAMING,
AND HEAVEN IT’S SCREAMING BENEATH US.

Words: Lydia Lunch

ADAGIO

T., my Sir is the Owner and Player of my body and mind and sees to that his willing instrument mo makes the most strange and beautiful music.

This i wrote down after He placed clamps on my nipples and labia and ordered me to crawl into the cage. Oh, how terrible i find it to crawl when He's looking at me. He closes the door behind me and i have to sit down on hands and knees and feel. To feel how the pain of the clamps slowly travels thru my body. Before me a white paper and a red marker. I sit faced to the wall hearing T. who puts ready some stuff. I cannot see him. I have to describe in one phrase how i see us in our relationship. Who are we together? I can't write it down too fast, first i have to feel it very carefully. I hear him walking around while my thoughts call up some allegories. I want to please my Owner and astonish him. But because of this urge to do things well i become this little girl that can't think clearly, talks nonsense and sometimes is very clumsy. Beautiful words go trhu my mind, but in fact are these words too beautiful, not touching the essence of my deepest feelings. Finally i come up with the phrase mentioned above.
Is that one phrase? my Owner asks as He quickly glances over the paper. Read it aloud to me mo.

Uncertain i read aloud the words i've written down. He doesn't like it, too many words, perhaps too overdone, too beautiful? With bent head i wait for his reaction as He picks up the paper. He reads aloud the phrase again. Then silence.
Yes, i like it mo, you're allowed to crawl out of the cage.

ANDANTE

T. directs me to this chair that spreads your legs. (What's the word for it? Thank you....) As He attaches my arms to it, He shows me that the rope isn't that tight. So if i panic i'm loose in one second. Again i'm surprised and grateful for the understanding and empathy of my Tormentor. Sometimes i panic as i'm attached completely. Well, my legs are attached very firm. Then T. blindfolds me and puts on the collar. I am His.
Naked i sit on this chair, legs astraddled. T. makes up something nice. For him that is, for me it's something awkward. He connects the clamps with the heavy chains which are hanging from the ceiling to the ground. Then He attaches the clamps on my labia and because of the gravity of the chains the clamps are pulled of with one pull ór tormenting slowly depending on the bite of the clamps.
I don't need to do anything, just watching and enjoying. The chains are doing all the work for me.
Meanwhile T. sometimes pushes his fingers in me to check out or attaches the clamps again.

CRESCENDO

As my labia are tormented enough, T. thinks it's time to let them glow more intense. Through the cane, some whips and the paddle. He raises the rhytm and sometimes i cannot sit quietly because of the pain. The big dildo is pushed inside to ascertain that the stretching turns out to be efficient. This interchanges for a while. Constantly i'm close to an orgasm but it doesn't hold on. T. is whipping me up with severe beating and humiliating words. Then unexpectedly He pushes his fingers in me, squeezing. I feel very ashamed as i feel lots of juice dripping over my legs and His hands.
Is that pee? That isn't pee is it? i ask confused and embarrassed.
It didn't feel like peeing, it doesn't smell like it. Apparrently i came gushing. T. saw me gushing with great force.

I'm on my knees, sitting before a box. I can drape myself over it and have some support. Fifty blows with the cane is what i deserve and i have to count. It isn't the smallest cane. A little bit bigger which gives a more dusted pain. I still can feel this pain deeply four days later. I love this feeling very much. But during the beating i damn this cane because of the intense pain. The cane i curse, the cane i love and crave. T. gives me 10 blows each time. After which i can catch my breath and He using some whips and the paddle on me. These blows i don't have to count. For a present i bought my Owner a paddle and when this paddle arrived at home i had to swallow my fear. Because this paddle was much larger than i thought it was haha. For now i can feel how this paddle gives my bottom a nice glow. Ouch! Another kind of pain. The blows T. gives me by hand are a relieve after the blows from the cane and the crop. All these different kind of pain and blows are leading me to floating away. Far away. But every time my Owner calls me back as i have to count the blows from the cane. Then finally i let myself flow on the pain and the pain becomes a pleasure. (On the photograph you can see the remaining marks of my Owner after 4 days. I wear them with pride.)

FORTE

Do you know mo how deep i'm inside of you?

I know Sir, but i don't wanna hear it, please don't tell me.

But i can feel it and how. It hurts a lot! As if i'll be broken in two. At the same time it arouses me a lot. With restrained breath i can feel how my Tormentor moves His hand in and out. His hand is totally inside me. I have it very warm. The heat blazes up from my tormented cunt to my head. I sniffle ánd i laugh. I feel intense pain and intense lust. I am nothing, i am my Owners thing. His horny fuck-thing. His hand inside me, that tortures me and beats me. At the end T. penetrates me deep and starts fucking me. The scalding heat in my head still burns. I am begging T.

Hit me, please hurt me Sir!

And i get much more then what i asked for. My Owner fucks me deep and hits me everywhere. On my breasts and most of all in my face. Several hard blows. Making me dizzy, taking my breath away. That makes me subside in bliss. His fuck-thing, that's what i am. Again i cum gushing. This time i'm not embarrassed.

On top of me, He is, my Owner. He fucks my mouth. Deep. Sometimes i can't breathe, sometimes He's poking that deep that makes me heave. Then He spurts over my face and sinks again over me. I look in his eyes, see the fire burning. He kisses me and i caress his back and bum.

CODA

This post doesn't suffice our meeting. There was happening so much more that i can't seize in words. Together we have walked much furthermore, but these are just words. The emotions i feel, so completely being His. My deep glowing submissiveness, His fiery Dominance and Sadism are engraved in my memory. There are no words for this, it's music that sings inside me. It sings inside my being. And i hope inside the being of my Owner.

Craving

Today i meet my Owner again! :-D

test

Wraf!

Goal!

At the moment there's the European soccer competition and instead of an orgasm-ban my Owner has decided that i have an orgasm-command for every Dutch goal. And Holland is doing very well at the moment. The first two competitions they won (3-1 & 4-1) and yesterday evening they won again (2-0)

A few days ago suddenly a beautiful but also a bit frightening feeling befalled me. But i'll start at the beginning. A while ago while i was craving intensely for my Owner and because of His mail and textmessages i was very aroused, He gave me an orgasm-ban. Ofcourse this is frustrating while you're craving so much, being aroused. But i noticed also another kind of feeling. Actually the not allowed to cum command felt really delicious. More than ever i felt myself the property of someone. The property of T. He who determines when i am allowed to cum. And with that He has an implement that has on distance a great effect. I am His and i can feel it in every fibre of my body. Because this feels so good i begged asked T. if He wants to give me this orgasm-ban. A little bit strange perhaps to ask this myself, but T. agreed with it. That was the beginning of the orgasm-ban (o-b).

Sometimes it was very difficult, but it wouldn't take long before i see Him again so i managed. T. started to like this ban more and more so i noticed. As we exchanged hot textmessages and mails and then finished it for the day, i could feel His sardonic laughter thru His last words:

'And you know mo, you're not allowed to cum. I, on the other hand, am going to masturbate on our hot words with you in my mind. Goodnight.'

Grrrrrrr but also what feels this terribly hmmmmmm.

During our last meeting we also talked about (don't ask me how this happened haha) the European championship. Just for fun, i was a bit corny, i said oh well and with every goal for Holland i have to masturbate. That's a good idea my Owner replied jokingly. Then i didn't know that the orgasm-ban changed into an orgasm-command. This became clear when T. sended me a textmessage last week when Holland had to play. Every goal stands for an orgasm on command. Watching soccer is now a totally different experience, i can assure you.

After the first match my Owner wrote to me;
'Ofcourse it was my intention to let you think of me. Like a Pavlov dog thinking of her Owner every time the Dutch team scores. Ooooooh ooooooh it was your lucky day because drie, trois, drei, three times a slut lady of her Owner!'

I remember that i thought at the third goal; hopefully it won't become more. Because that same evening/night these goals had to be transposed in orgasms. And i was very tired. Indeed it was my lucky day. It stayed 3 - 0.

In between theses matches i still have an orgasm-ban. But i've sinned once. Last week i had a very restless night, didn't get much sleep. Next morning as my kids went to school i got back into my cosy warm bed. But again i felt this restlessness and a negative stressed feeling. I released myself from this stress by masturbating. Ofcourse i mailed this to my Owner, i am a honest girl. He sended me a text message; you're a naughty, bad girl. I'll devise a proper punishment.

Oh how i wished to be at His feet at that moment, small and humble, awaiting my punishment. My Owner didn't answer. He kept silent. And then we're back at the beginning of this post. This beautiful but frightening feeling. I understood His silence very well. He was disappointed, perhaps also angry. I could imagine that. In former D/s relationships i always panicked as my Master kept silent or was angry. Feeling afraid and insecure. But now i felt quiet and meekness. Ofcourse i felt sad about my mistake, i sure don't wanna disappoint my Owner, but this peace and meekness has to do with absolute trust. Feeling and knowing that T. won't let me down. Because i am His girl, even with my mistakes. As i stood in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water, this beautiful feeling took me by surprise. A feeling i almost can't describe. A deep, intense, submissive feeling. This deep and intense i've never experienced before. I have no words for it. Again tears fill my eyes as i'm writing this down. The feeling overwhelmed me and i was a little bit afraid. But at the same time i felt intensely happy. Now i notice that my Owner walk upon a very subtle, but effective path to make me totally His. Somewhat confused i felt in a dreamless sleep.

Belle de jour

No, you're wrong. I'm not craving at all. ;-) * Put on my pokerface * This is a fragment from an old classic movie that was on Dutch television the other day. Belle de jour from Buñuel 1967. In which a craving Catherine Deneuve lives a double life to explore her masochistic feelings. A little bit old fashioned perhaps but still an interesting movie that in that time was refused for Cannes because the jury found the movie controversial. Yet a year later the movie won the Golden Lion in Venice. One of the best characters of Deneuve, i think. This fragment is the very beginning of the movie and although in French, the images speak for themselves.

Reverbation and shared sorrow

As we arrived in DB we went to our familiar pub for a cup of coffee. That there was lots of more coffee that day we didn't know yet. We could take place at our trusted seats totally in the back of the pub, where T. easily can come under my skirt groping me without being noticed. I brought my Owner a present for his birthday; a collection of poems. The other present i bought for Him wasn't fit to open in the pub. ;-) That had to wait for a proper moment and place. We talked about my 'unwillingness' , what's the reason that i felt uneasy to accomplish my Owners orders? T. told me that He was angry and sad and ofcourse i find this terrible. We talked about his anger; i can't tell when He's angry. I wasn't allowed to wear the collar, not yet, i didn't earn it. Maybe that afternoon. That touched me very much. We talked about desires and expectations. Then it was time to go.

"Do you know where we are going too mo?"

Indeed i had a presumption. This turned out to be the right one. The sexvideotheque where you can rent a room. Unfortunately you can't reserve this room. T. assumed that if we arrive there, the room is vacant. But his optimism wasn't correct. The room was occupied and probably for an hour or two apologized the owner. Meanwhile i felt embarrassed because the male customers were examining me curiously.

We were walking thru DB, the sun was shining, my hand in my Owners hand. We had a nice lunch, feeling great. Again my Owner tried the videotheque. Still occupied. T. had another option but because He had to leave early this meeting we hadn't enough time for it. We went to the cathedral i love so much. Sitting quietly and talking. And again a last try at the videotheque. When it became clear that the room was still occupied (tjeez does this man alone needs so much time? ;-)) we decided to go back to the pub. Time for a cold beer and a glass of wine for me.

Being with my Owner and no possibilities to play is frustrating because i was craving like hell. But so did my Owner. I was allowed to notice that when T. took my hand and directed it to his vital parts. We were sitting there in the back of the pub on our trusted seats. T. unzipped his trousers and i felt his masculinity in all his splendour. My hand pinching and softly stroking his warm cock provoked my lips a longing sigh. Shared sorrow.

"If i would command you to give me a blowjob right here, right now, you would do that little slut of me."

I wasn't so sure about that really. Although we were sitting in the back of the pub, we were still visible to others. But oh those eyes of my Possessor, if He should command me that, first i'll be hesitating but finally i would do it. I think. I would close my eyes, shutting the world out. Then only our magical world excists. He and i. But He didn't command me to give him a blowjob.

Because of a post from the lovely s.o.d. we were talking about breasts. Big one, small ones. Which did my Owner prefer i asked him curiously. T. likes it that i have a full body.

"If I beat your breasts then my blow resonates so deliciously on your body. It shudders and is moving softly like an echo. It's nice looking at that."

Despite of the fact that the day wasn't exactly as T. had planned and of which i was longing and craving, it was so good to be together again. Talking and getting to know each other better is nice also. Then it was time to travel back to my daily existence. Delays and liveliness on the station. T.'s train went on time. He gave me permission to masturbate on the train, knowing that He also was freeing himself from the craving and tension. Ofcourse i had to send him a textmessage about the how and when. Finally my train arrived. On the toilet i brought myself to a climax two times. It didn't take long dear reader, as you can imagine. Back to my seat, not yet taken lucky me, i send T. a textmessage. His reaction was so very hot and yes i got permission, so again i went to the toilet. After a trainstop. I went to the other direction because suppose someone will notice that I was going to the toilet again. Ha! So very much not wanna be a slut but i can't deny it. Surely i am....... Therefore feeling guilty, shameful behavior.

The SM path i am walking on is testing above all my patience. But it's a consolation to know that my Owner is craving as much as i do. Meanwhile i have to continue the stretching etc..... When i'll meet my Owner again i don't know. So i happily crave and bounce till next time.