The naked self

Amazed i look at the green light of the webcam. The green light that isn't a green light. But the eyes of my Owner. No, i'm not craving that much that i go nuts or something. Craving, yes. And very astonished that even a chat on messenger with T. touches me that deeply.

At first we were talking about daily life. But soon enough there were our dark desires and fantasies. Making me giggle and blushing at the beginning because of my arising horniness. Somehow T. always manage to make me shy, ashamed of my hungry lust. Ofcourse T. mentions with emphasis my lust. He knows exactly how to make me feel small. Just like He knows how shy i become when observing me. He doesn't have a webcam, mine is on. This ofcourse intensifies the feeling of being observed. I have to stand up so T. can watch my tits. He commands me to place two pegs on my nipples. This hurts a lot, those miserable, sensitive nipples of mine. Then i'm allowed to sit again, so He can observe my face. Our conversation continues. About a fantasy that arouses me a lot. So the pain on my nipples fades away. I have to aim the camera on my face, a little bit closer. Looking straight into the camera. As if looking at Him. I have to finger myself, but i'm not allowed to orgasm.

Is that clear?
Yes Master.

Somewhat provoking i look up at the camera, eagerly starting to masturbate. But it doesn't take long, the lust to masturbate vanishes. I notice i become emotional. All the time looking at the camera but my hands resting calm in my lap. Tears welling up. I would like to hide my face behind my hands right now. Too naked. This is the first time someone is observing me this consciously. This is the first time someone is seeing me this clear. Wants to see me this clear. Restlessness befalls me and i sway my chair. Back and forth. There is silence, no messages i can focus on. Only a little green light observing me. T.'s eyes. Is He still there? What's He doing? It seems hours and time stands still. Because of my restlessness i suddenly feel the pain from the pegs again. Those i have to take down from my nipples right now!
No!

is the decided answer from my Owner. Which arouses me very much. Ah, He's still here and He is watching. He's watching me. I can feel His presence, His glance resting upon me. Then i surrender. Peace comes over me and i look straight into the camera. A smile upon my face.

To be continued......

A cold skin but a glowing heart

This new year excists a week now, but i couldn't find the words to write a new post. But yesterdays experience gave me new inspiration. A chilly post, this first one in 2009.
My Owner determines my orgasms. He tells me if i may come (Orgasm Command) or if i may not (Orgasm Ban). Yesterday morning; my bed was warm and cozy, i was snoozing, my hands were wandering a bit and my favourite dark fantasies swirled thru my thoughts, arousing me. So therefore i sended my Owner a textmessage with a goodmorning kiss and a request to orgasm. Laying comfy under the warm blankets i was waiting for an answer. Meanwhile my hands weren't wandering any longer but finding their intention in a effective way and the fantasies that first swirled softly, ardently heated my thoughts and body. This effectivity of my hands did their job all too well. Only a short time, just a minute, i was aware of the disobedience that's on the way but it was already too late. Lust took over and i came. Not long after that i came again. Deliberate disobedient this time. Contrite i sended T. a textmessage. The answer came very fast. Ah, Master was well aware of my request but was testing the patience and submission of His girl? Even more contrite.
'Horny slut and disobedient slavegirl!!! For punishment I command you to come again. Standing naked in front of the mirror in the cold.'
You must know this is a real punishment although it doesn't look like it at first. The house in which i live is a big house, with high ceilings, marble floors in the corridors and the rooms are heated by gasheaters. The day before i told my Owner about the coolness in my house. I love a fresh bedroom so the gasheater is on the pilot flame. So awakening and getting up is hard now the winter is so cold. In the morning i turn on the heater and go back to my warm bed for five minutes till the room is warm. This morning the gasheater wasn't on yet. I also find it very hard to masturbate in front of the mirror looking at myself. Another message from T.
'Come on slut, into the cold with that warm body of yours and masturbate yourself in front of the mirror. If I were with you I had send you into the snow.'
I jumped out of bed, undressed myself and was standing in front of the mirror. Goosebumps on my skin. Shivering i started to finger myself again. But this was a punishment and it felt like a punishment. I couldn't loose myself into my horniness. Sometimes i looked at myself into the mirror. Although i hate it to look at myself, it also excites me at the same time. I focused on my fingers. Because i came already two times not that long ago, i was lucky that it didn't took too long to come a third time. This time it didn't feel like a blast, the guilt kept gnawing. This disobedience will be punished our next meeting that's for sure, but i wanted to do something right now. To please my Owner. I put on some warm socks, jumper and skirts. Naked legs and cunt. I had a plan. The garden is beautiful in winter. With a beautiful carpet of snow. My Owners last message inspired me. He isn't with me in the flesh, but He sure is with me thru His words. In my heart.

As i raise my skirt a bit and pushing my knees in the snow T. is with me. More than. For a moment i feel nothing, a second. Than the cold is deeply penetrating my naked skin, the cold hurts. A kind of paralysing feeling. The cold draws up against my thighs and strikes my warm cunt. An intense sensation. The cold feels good. I think of my Owner and what He will thinking about this. The cold penetrates my body but my heart is glowing. How does my heart glow that's beating faster for Him.

Chat

As T. mailed me to get ready for Him on monday-evening 'cause we're going to chat my girl, my heart jumped. He's not exactly a man who chats, so this was very special. Maybe this was my reward for being such a patient slave, waiting in silence for the attention from my busy Master.
In the beginning we were talking about daily (vanilla) life but the sexual tension between us was obvious. Very naturally our 'buddies-feeling' transformed into a Master-slave mood. Wobbling and giggling i couldn't resist the urge to dare my Owner with wordplay. Then T. commanded me to put on the cam and i wasn't that cheeky any longer. Very aware of the fact that my Owner observes me i tried not to pick my nose or make funny faces. ;-) It's a pity that T. doesn't have a cam so He's observing me and i try to be as pretty as i can.

He commands me to place two pegs on my nipples. Now He's observing me, it's impossible to smuggle. It has been too long ago therefore ai! it hurts a lot. As i'm on my own i replace the pegs to a less sensitive spot, but not now. I swallow the pain that travels thru my body and after a while i don't feel the pain as pain. This slavegirl is getting excited and i feel that i'm very moist. I have to put in the big dildo. T. wants me to aim the cam on my cunt so that He can see it very clear. I have to put in the dildo very deep and masturbate with it. But i'm not allowed to orgasm! Everytime as my Owner informs me about this i get even more aroused. When it becomes too much i stop only a short time. Then i have to aim the cam on my face again and continue with masturbating myself with the dildo. My fluttered face.
Subtly T. reminds me on that time in a hotelroom; me astride on a chair, T. in front of me, watching me as i had to finger myself for the first time. Oh how shy i was, a bit anxious i couldn't manage to come because of this strong embarrassement.
The memory had the effect on me that T. desires; i am shy again and a bit embarrassed. Feeling this small excites me a lot. My Owner types commands and remarks. I don't have to answer but focus on the situation. Soon i loose myself totally in my excitement, the attention of T. and His eyes observing me. Actually i can feel them, heating every inch of me. As i read the words
'Now you may come!'
on the screen i drown in a delightful orgasm. I'd never thought that i could orgasm on command.

As i come down again, i suddenly feel the stinging pain from the pegs on my nipples. Oh my, it's time to face my fear. Removing the pegs. And it hurts! I feel the sting red-hot shooting thru my body. Carefully and protective i place my hands on my nipples.

My Owner decides that His slut hasn't had enough so our conversation intensifies. He whips me up with His exciting, horny, humiliating words and this slut doesn't feel embarrassed any longer about the cam aiming upon her. T. can read every emotion on my face, the movements from the dildo so deep in my cunt unburdened on the screen. After five tempestuous blasts it is enough.
When it's time to shut down T. let me know that the images of His horny slut are burned upon His retina. They're engraved in His memory. His words of excitement, longing and approval echoing in my thoughts. I will sleep like a baby.

PS; coming thursday i will meet T. again. Yippeeeee!

Sunlight

Lately i was very tired. Therefore i hadn't accomplish a Command my Owner asked me to do. That made me feel guilty. The feeling to disappoint your Owner is the worst feeling a submissive can have. In a mail i had explained why it take so long. Ofcourse i take His Command serious and as soon as i have regain some energy i'll do what He wants me to do.
Take your time to find your balance. Your basis and your most important being and possession are your health, your family and your own life! I'm not disappointed, but i wish for you all strenghth and wisdom for now.
Such a lovely mail. My Owner is an intelligent but also very empathic man. So i could let go my guilty feelings. Though somewhere something stayed picking. Was the little girl in me afraid that her Owner wouldn't find her a sweet girl any longer.

Between our meetings the communication between my Owner and me goes by mail and sometimes a text message. And incidentally we phone each other. This is sufficient for me, it feels good because of the strength of our togetherness. I'm a little surprised by it, 'cause this is new for me. i spoke everyday with my former Masters on messenger and by sms. This can be oppressive at times. A commitment that doesn't feel comfortable. Besides it can influence your daily life/relationship in a negative way. Sometimes that did happen to me, i got lost too much in the D/s relationship. (I'm in a vanilla relationship. My love/hubbie doesn't have SM feelings, so He gives me the freedom to explore my submissive, masochistic feelings with my Owner) Also; to talk every day with your Master doesn't guarantee commitment and trust. Not earlier i've felt myself so confident and known as in this D/s relationship with T. Not earlier i've felt the togetherness as strong as i feel now. (i'm talking about my D/s relationships, not my vanilla one. My hubbie and i are together for 27 years now.) Also there is a perfect balance between my daily life and my submissive life.

T. does travel a lot for His work, last weekend was His birthday, and end of the week He's on a holiday with His family for 2 weeks. Therefore very busy. So His mail came less frequently. No, that's not right, there was a maximum of five days between the mail. And this happened once. It felt for me, girl with feelings of guilt as if His mail came less often. Perhaps His mail was less extensive then i got used to, but His words still were as sparkling as always and made very clear who i am for T. His girl, slut, slave. But the insecure girl was craving for more connection, needed soft caresses, was looking for confirmation. Perhaps the reason for this has also to do with the fact that our next meeting is only halfway may. I send T. a mail in which i describe Him my feelings. Full of trust, without fear. I point this out, because in former D/s relationships i was frightened to expose my insecure feelings. The answer was most of the time anger or manipulation. I often felt worthless. This says a lot concerning my former relationships. This also says much concerning me.
Because it was weekend, i had to wait a little bit for an answer. The girl in me became very restless. Yesterday morning i send Him a text message. Sweet Tormentor, i wish you a very nice day.

Who's are you and are you alone?
My heart jumped. i'm alone at home. i have to sit down on a chair, bare abdomen, astride so that the sun can strike my cunt. Phone, clamps and weight next to me. Eyes closed. A pity that the sun shined not yet into the room, but the intent is clear. For now T. is the Sun and i am His moonheart. My minds eye sees His face. Intense, concentrated, sparkles in His eyes. As the phone rings i answer it as fast as i can. His voice that warms and soothes me.
"I'm with you mo. I'm standing right in front of you."
In a reflex i open my eyes, for a moment i thought He really was standing here. Beautiful mindplay. I feel Him so close, i'm so focussed on Him. I close my eyes again and listen. Before He leads me towards a play, He makes very clear that He's fond of me. All my aspects. Also the insecure girl. In fact He understands her. He will never let me go down. I have to repeat His words.
Then i have to place two pegs on my labia. There are little rings on the pegs, i have to attach some weight on the rings. After that i have to hit myself hard. Ten times on my cunt. Audible. It brings on some nice glowing 'cause for sure i am doing all the best i can. Besides; if my Owner can't hear a blow i have to hit myself again. Then i have to grope my cunt. Ofcourse i'm very, very wet. Ever since the very first second i am aware of the presence of my Owner i become liquid. I'm always surprised how very liquid. Attaching some more weight, swinging my hips, feeling how much the pegs and weight are pulling my labia i have to hit myself again. Audible. A finger deep in my cunt, another one and another one, my hand. I have small hands so i can manage it reasonably well. Moving in and out, sturdy, so that T. can hear how wet His slut is. The hitting and fingering interchange. Finally i have to (may) masturbate myself to a climax. This i find almost as embarrassing as masturbating while He's watching me. My Owner reminds our last meeting - Do you rememeber? - He describes my cunt. Which He finds so delicious. The clanging of the weight disturbs my concentration. I may remove them. His voice in my ear, humiliating, ravishing degrading words. It doesn't take long as i cum in a warm and intens orgasm.

My sweet mo, do you feel connected? Do you feel yourself My Property? Do you feel loved? Do you feel your throbbing wet slutcunt? Do you feel. Mine?

I've never felt as understood and known as now. It makes me happy. Yes my sweet Tyrant. i feel You. And i am. Your Property, girl, slut, slave. And i love You too.

The rest of the day i was shining more intense than the sun.

Though i feel myself small * My ordeal in front of my Owner

Photograph by Lula Robins

Orgasm on command i find very hard to do. Five...four...three...two...one...NOW! Then i obstruct the feeling. i could manage this very few times and i find it very exciting. However. Also very difficult for me is to masturbate while my Owner is watching me. When T. in the hotelroom placed two chairs opposite of each other, i knew what will occur next. He installed himself comfortable in one chair while i had to sit down in the other chair facing Him. Straddle-legged. Ofcourse. i was wearing stockings and high heels. Nothing else. Giggling i did what He expected me to do, 'cause tjeez it's so embarrassing to sit like that while naked. Very aware of my nudity and sluttyness. Apparently T. couldn't see clear what He wanna see 'cause i had to push a bit. He placed my feet on the arms. i sat there, legs upwards and astraddled, therefore T. had a good look on my cunt. Correction; my very wet cunt. Uneasy. That's how i felt. So i kept giggling which annoyed me very much.
"I would say mo, go ahead."
Hm, i suppose i looked at Him kinda dazzled.
"you know exactly what I mean mo, go ahead. Don't let your Owner wait. Finger yourself."
While hesitating a bit i lay a finger on my clit. Very aware of the eyes of T. Kind but stringent. i touch and rub my clit a bit while i place my other hand over my face. My fingers somewhat spreaded i peep at T. seeing His amused face.
"Take your hand away from your face mo and look me in the eye. You can do better then what you're performing right now. Finger yourself as you mean it!"
i try to focus and caress and rub my clit more aimed. Meanwhile i try to let go my sense of shame. Sometimes i still wanna hide my face behind my hand but i correct myself. i can't deny that i'm very aroused, my cunt speaks for itself. Very wet. My excitement increases and i relax more.
"Open your eyes mo, you have to look at me."
The amused look in His eyes is replaced by concentration. i can't tell what His feelings were at that moment. On the other hand i feel His eyes intensely orientated on me. His Possession; that is for now His slut. My stockings, shoes, i can see so conscious turn me on. My fingers are doing their job purposeful and i almost drown in His eyes. His fierce glance penetrating me is almost making me come. But i can't pull it off. Again i close my eyes, sometimes my head falls backwards in passion. Nevertheless i correct myself again and again because at this moment i crave nothing more than to look in His eyes. Though i feel myself small. Faster my fingers are rubbing, my breathing is heavy, but my climax failed to come. Then my Owner decides to help. He leans over while looking at me. i don't remember if He encouraged me, i love it as He humiliates me with words. While my fingers are still rubbing my clit, T. pushes His fingers in my cunt. He pushes them hard inside of me, outside, inside again. Our eyes breaking into each other and i exploding with His help into a severe, long lasting orgasm.

Epilogue: His fingers in my cunt have to become finally His whole hand. To be continued.

PS 2; i'm not sure if the title is grammatically correct. Though i feel myself small. Or; Though i feel small. Please point this out to me. Thank you. :-)