i miss You

Wish you were here by Vladimir Borowicz

Since T. is my Owner i haven't crave (heavily) 'cause our meetings were regular and intense. Ofcourse there was this pleasant craving, but not this awful craving because of lack. A craving that hurts. But not a pleasant pain. A pain that gives you the feeling to climb against the wall. Because you don't know wheter you're standing on your head or on your heels. Because of this great lack.

The last few weeks i don't read often other blogs but i dose my reading. Because that awful craving has returned. I'm very happy for the, mostly intense, experiences of my also submissive bloggers. I am happy for them. But my feelings start to gnaw. A gnawing i try to suppress. This gnawing that stands for the great lack, the craving that hurts so badly.

The interaction between T. and myself is still less than it was before, but it feels as if we despite, or maybe just because of, are growing even more towards each other. T. let me strongely know that He cares a lot about me, that i (too) am important for Him. (Stay with me, I want you!)
That He loves me.

Which enlarge the lack and the craving, but it also makes me happy. It makes me happy to know that His thoughts about me, about us, comforts Him. In this for Him so hard times. So in fact i serve Him passively, indirectly. Knowing this soothes me. 'Cause i rejected my (mostly exciting) thoughts about Him. How can i allow myself to think this way while T. grieves the illness of His wife, His beloved one. But i can't just switch off my feelings ofcourse. 1 2 3 gone! To know that my Owner accepts His feelings, even though they are double-hearted sometimes, makes me also feeling less guilty. So i dare to send Him a mail about SM in stead of daily matters, that i allow myself to call Him Master again in textmessages. Our last phonecall, not so long ago, was very intense and it resulted in feeling His girl and slut. Feelings i forbit myself to feel.
When i will meet Him again i don't know, so the awful craving that hurts badly will continue in the time coming. I do hope the craving doesn't get worse.

(Virtual) hugs are much appreciated right now. ;-)

To my loyal visitors:

i'm silent, enclosed in my cocoon. Mentally all is well, i'm only fed up a bit. Because my body doesn't co-operate with my mental well being. My disease (myasthenia gravis) strikes up at the moment and the result of this is a very low, below zero energy level. This sucks a lot! I wanted to write a nice post about dreaming in my cocoon that results in beautiful silk thoughts. But i even have no great mind to write.
So this post is a notification: i dó read your posts but i am silent. When spring is coming with some nice sunshine my energy level will sprout, you'll see. Tomorrow i meet T. again and that also will heap me up, 'cause meeting my Owner makes me happy. First i wanted to postpone it, being afraid not to be able to give my all. But my craving heart needs His glance, His hands firm in my hair and more.
I begged my Owner not to give me Instructions in between our meetings. Just for a while. I love to get those, but they pile up, making me feel very, very guilty and unworthy. I silently dream in my cocoon, until i'm charged and finding some words again.....