A cold skin but a glowing heart

This new year excists a week now, but i couldn't find the words to write a new post. But yesterdays experience gave me new inspiration. A chilly post, this first one in 2009.
My Owner determines my orgasms. He tells me if i may come (Orgasm Command) or if i may not (Orgasm Ban). Yesterday morning; my bed was warm and cozy, i was snoozing, my hands were wandering a bit and my favourite dark fantasies swirled thru my thoughts, arousing me. So therefore i sended my Owner a textmessage with a goodmorning kiss and a request to orgasm. Laying comfy under the warm blankets i was waiting for an answer. Meanwhile my hands weren't wandering any longer but finding their intention in a effective way and the fantasies that first swirled softly, ardently heated my thoughts and body. This effectivity of my hands did their job all too well. Only a short time, just a minute, i was aware of the disobedience that's on the way but it was already too late. Lust took over and i came. Not long after that i came again. Deliberate disobedient this time. Contrite i sended T. a textmessage. The answer came very fast. Ah, Master was well aware of my request but was testing the patience and submission of His girl? Even more contrite.
'Horny slut and disobedient slavegirl!!! For punishment I command you to come again. Standing naked in front of the mirror in the cold.'
You must know this is a real punishment although it doesn't look like it at first. The house in which i live is a big house, with high ceilings, marble floors in the corridors and the rooms are heated by gasheaters. The day before i told my Owner about the coolness in my house. I love a fresh bedroom so the gasheater is on the pilot flame. So awakening and getting up is hard now the winter is so cold. In the morning i turn on the heater and go back to my warm bed for five minutes till the room is warm. This morning the gasheater wasn't on yet. I also find it very hard to masturbate in front of the mirror looking at myself. Another message from T.
'Come on slut, into the cold with that warm body of yours and masturbate yourself in front of the mirror. If I were with you I had send you into the snow.'
I jumped out of bed, undressed myself and was standing in front of the mirror. Goosebumps on my skin. Shivering i started to finger myself again. But this was a punishment and it felt like a punishment. I couldn't loose myself into my horniness. Sometimes i looked at myself into the mirror. Although i hate it to look at myself, it also excites me at the same time. I focused on my fingers. Because i came already two times not that long ago, i was lucky that it didn't took too long to come a third time. This time it didn't feel like a blast, the guilt kept gnawing. This disobedience will be punished our next meeting that's for sure, but i wanted to do something right now. To please my Owner. I put on some warm socks, jumper and skirts. Naked legs and cunt. I had a plan. The garden is beautiful in winter. With a beautiful carpet of snow. My Owners last message inspired me. He isn't with me in the flesh, but He sure is with me thru His words. In my heart.

As i raise my skirt a bit and pushing my knees in the snow T. is with me. More than. For a moment i feel nothing, a second. Than the cold is deeply penetrating my naked skin, the cold hurts. A kind of paralysing feeling. The cold draws up against my thighs and strikes my warm cunt. An intense sensation. The cold feels good. I think of my Owner and what He will thinking about this. The cold penetrates my body but my heart is glowing. How does my heart glow that's beating faster for Him.

That needs punishment

Geez, i was a bad slave unintentional. During the good-bye at our last meeting, my Owner still had an instruction for me. I bite my nails, so T. wants me to let grow the nail of my left little finger. Building it up quietly, so that's very sweet of him. This shouldn't be too hard 'cause there are nine nails left to nibble on. Right? But i must point out that i bite my nails unthinkingly. I'm not aware that i'm doing it. Until last wednesday. I was biting my nails, also the left ones and suddenly i was aware of it very much. Too late. Ofcourse i stopped immediately, but nevertheless i was a bad, bad girl. I love long fingernails, so i hope i can manage. (Ofcourse i can manage, i wanna please T., making him happy)

Furthermore i'm a bit confused about my rebellious behaviour. As i already defined in an older post, there are quiet some instructions i received from my Owner but didn't do. Not because of nastiness but (even worse in fact) because of indolence. Also; i don't obey my Owners rules. I'm on an orgasm-ban again. Thursday evening i was lying on my bed, reading a bit and my mind wandered of to my Owner. As always; thinking of my Owner arouses me. Very much. So i sended him a text message asking him to allow me to cum. There was no answer. Because i was very tired i fell asleep as a good girl. The next morning i didn't have to get up early and yes.... i was weak and rebellious. Against the rules of my Owner i fingered myself to a climax. After it, i felt guilty and confessed this misbehavior to T.
Orgasm without permission of your Owner?! Tonight penance: four pegs thirty minutes on your slutcunt. Is that clear? was the short textmessage i received from T. while i was at work. Immidiately followed by; Extra punishment: fifteen minutes two pegs on your nipples. I only could answer with a timid yes Master. Feeling very small and guilty.

In the evening, after work i immidiately accomplished my Owners command. I placed four pegs on my labia and after fifteen minutes two on my nipples. Two pegs on my labia and the two on my nipples hurt a lot. My sensitive nipples on which i can stand little. Sometimes as i have a command like this i replace the pegs as they hurt too much ( i know; not a good girl at all) but this time i didn't. This is punishment so i was strict, in fact my Owner was strict through me. So i didn't replace the painful pegs. At first this was difficult, but i endured. I was focused on my Owner and the punishment. The pain is the punishment and i did deserve this pain. So i accepted it and persisted. Slowly the pain drained away and became bearable. It shrined and hurted. Yeah i know, sometimes i am a dolt. Because i did this for my Owner, hís command, it felt good and comforting my heart.
After thirty minutes i removed the pegs. Ouch, thát hurts. A textmessage to T. making clear that i completed the punishment and ofcourse i thanked him. In spite of (or must i say because of) the pain i was very wet. I didn't feel any mental excitement at that point, more meekness and gratitude. But as i thanked T. for the punishment also the mental excitement stroke. Feeling that small, humble and submissive arouses me very much. An incorrigible slut i am afraid. The next morning i was teasing my Owner by sending him naughty textmessages. My heart missed a beat as my cellphone jingled. The voice of my Owner, in which i could hear amusement and
severity as well, immidiately transformed this rebellious, provoking slut into a giggling, shy girl. Suddenly i didn't braggart any longer. T. adjusted an orgasm-command while He was listening to me. And i didn't have that much time 'cause He was busy. Giggling girl was a good girl and didn't disappoint her Owner at that moment.

Range of colouring

So beautiful what trust can bring. During the last meeting with my Owner i haven't felt fear for one second. Not even while He was fisting me. Because of this i could take more, also on my (very sensitive) breasts. Although i didn't dare to look at the very tight breastbondage. How they change color from red to a bluish dark purple. First i may carefully touch them and then ofcourse T. let me look at them anyhow. I used to find it scary but i loved it, not scary at all. A great unforseen circumstance of the tight bondage is that the breasts very quickly mark. Beautiful screaming red and blue spots. My left tit wasn't as tight tied on as the right one and showed less marks from my Owner. I am so proud of these marks of love. My right tit still has marks colouring from dark purple to blue to green and yellow. Hmmm strange creatures we submissive girls are. I can imagine this sounds weird if you don't have a thing with SM. But i am standing in front of the mirror again and again to admire my coloured bum and bruised breasts.

Not even a week ago i met my Owner but i miss Him already very much. Probably because my shiny little cloud slowly disolves. And reality hits me in the face once again. T. sends me a textmessage that He also wants his girl with him, craving to torture her. This comforts me a bit. In between our meetings the connection consists exclusively of mail and textmessages. Mostly very intensive i must say. But after a meeting i have this strong urge to talk on. Our form of contact is hard work, because sometimes i miss the leash and become disorganized. I've read some old posts again and not following my Owners Instructions or in fact pushing them forward is a returning issue. Nonetheless this shouldn't happen because i feel T.'s slavegirl in every bodyfibre. And this feeling is getting stronger after each meeting. So i don't understand how this works for me. I'm not only his slave when i'm with Him. This feeling is always there, inside my heart and being. Hm, this girl is going to work very hard at obeying my Owners Instructions and perhaps be more in focus. For now i strongely feel that my disorder is the reason why i doesn't feel the leash as strong as i want it to feel. Grrrrrr sometimes i don't understand myself. Oh well the consequence of my carelessness are those beautiful blue spots, although....... I even get those if i'm sweet and obedient. Just thinking.

Leash on

Because i constantly pushed forward the orders i had received from T., i explored my motives. Why is that? Ofcourse there were some good reasons why i didn't accomplish these orders, but nevertheless. Was there really not the possibility and time to do it in between my daily activities? Naturally, if i accomplish an order from my Owner, i just don't do it unthinkingly. Then i am concentrated and focused on His wish. Was there really, r e a l l y all this time no possibilieties or didn't i want to accomplish my Owners wish? My unwillingness wasn't deliberate, but i noticed within myself a restraint. Something was holding me back. A recognizable returning pattern.
Before T. went away on his holidays, our contact was a little bit less intense then i was used to. Only a short time. I already wrote about this in my blog 'Sunlight'. Just before He was leaving i had him on the phone to take away my uncertainty. Then there was 2 weeks of silence. But i do feel his presence in my heart, soul, body and thoughts so He wasn't far away. But why didn't i still not accomplish the orders? My Owner had given me space and time, but i find out that thát is just the breaking point. If i get too much space, i revolt. I don't wanna have this space, i wanna feel the leash. My Owner keeping me on a string, pulling the leash tight. And sometimes that is difficult in a D/s relationship like ours. Not seeing each other that very often. But it is possible and now i have experienced this.
Perhaps T. was still a bit careful because our relationship, even though already so intense, is quite new. Besides i find it difficult as a slave to point out my desires. Doesn't it look like manipulation or topping from the bottom? Ofcourse this is nonsense, i know. If i point out my desires, T. will decide what He's going to do with it. The lovely http://slutondisplay.blogspot.com/ wrote somewhere: 'a Dominant is not a mindreader.' I agree with that. When i pronounced my feelings to my Owner about feeling adrift He didn't react surprised at all. On the contrary, it inspires Him even more to pull the leash tighter. In a lovely, subtle way i feel how my Owner requires and takes more. Subtle but clear as water. In his sometimes severe, mostly caring mails and textmessages He has me where He wants me to be. An undertone of sadism is simmering and i am waiting, full of desires, for our next meeting when the simmer starts burning.

Bad girl

Everything's alright with me, only a little bit busy though. For now a picture that suits the sunday. A new blog is coming soon, please have some patience. ;-)