A brutal dance and heartfelt togetherness

Photograph: Fetish breasts by Emily sub.

We should meet again, no play but drinking coffee, talking and hugging, just a wonderful day together. The awkwardness of me was the reason that T. decided otherwise. You know: lovely tension, but not so bright thinking as normally in daily life, there i stood on the platform of the railway station, pretty baby, carefully shaved, on time. Waiting for my Master to travel furthermore together. Comprehensively on time so it seems. A textmessage to Master learned me that i was (luckily!) on the right platform, but too early. One hour early!

Oh poor silly thing, you're too early so get the train to Nijmegen.

At that time the train to Nijmegen arrived, so i was thinking Master is mindfucking me. 'Cause i still had the idea i was there at the right time. Yeah, subbie with a jelly brain. That's the influence T. has on me. ;-) Was T. aware that i was thinking of a mindfuck? And did He took advantage from it? Nervously i got on the train and T. fed my insecurity with textmessages. Within ten minutes i was in Nijmegen, looking around but no sign of Master at all. Another textmessage: i had to go to the cafe on the platform, drinking some coffee and waiting. He already had asked me if i did remember the hotel near the station? Some time ago we had stayed there. Ofcourse i do remember that. Very well. And T. wrote that it's very tempting this hotel so very nearby. Butterflies in my tummy were dancing and fluttering substantially. I didn't dare to think of, hoping that....
While i enjoyed my coffee i suddenly saw Master dropping by. I was so happy to see Him again! And that's an understatement haha. We kissed eacht other and T. got himself a coffee too. I took Him in intensely. Enjoying His face, His hands, His eyes and voice. He told me that we should go to the hotel nearby. He was longing to feel me, to possess me. I giggled and became nervous again.

Immediately after entering the room we kissed each other fiercely. It was very clear we missed each other a lot. Masters hands were everywhere and i was dizy from longing. Soon enough i was naked, kneeling on the floor in front of the bed. We hadn't took much stuff, but i had some pegs, a small flogger and the wheel of pain. But who needs the whip when there's the heavy but oh so delicious belt? Master pushed me face down in the blankets, the sound of the belt pulled of from the trousers, making me dizzy. Instinctively i raise my bum even more awaiting the first blow. That delicious first blow that always scares me abit. Not knowing how i will react. Can i take much or will i be squeaking and yummer like a little baby? But the first blow always making me His, taking me along our dark magical world, where we merge and deeply piercing each others soul.
After this first blow with His belt we were absorbed in our heated craving towards each other. It was an intense brutal dance in which Master fucked me ruthlessly, took my breath and gave it back, pulled my hair, slapped my face, penetrated my mouth as deep as He could until i heaved and was gasping for breath, He then turned me around again to fuck me deep in the ass and that hurted so much that tears were in my eyes, but this feeling made me very, very happy. A dance in which Master beated me and tortured my breasts that much so the next day they were covered with bruises and blue spots. And that made me happy also. Nevertheless it isn't the bruises, the pain and the humiliation that i cherish. What i remember the most and cherish is the feeling Master needs me as much as i need Him. That i finally understand this and this feeling brings an intense togetherness. Master dared to show His heartfelt feelings even more. For a change it wasn't me that talked a lot that day, but Master did the talking and allowed me in His daily life. i am His and that makes me happy. Still lasting!

Swimming

i was swimming across the sky
Clouds and angels by my side
Then i realized that i was lonely
And it wasn't such a good thing.

i was flying in paradise
In that ocean of dead lights
i was looking for Your smile in the wind
But there was nobody there this morning.

i was swimming across the sky
Clouds and angels by my side
Then i realized that i was lonely
And it wasn't such a good thing.

i believe in Your smile everyday
But i know that You're far from my way
When i talk to the moon i can hear You
In the dark i can see, i can feel Your light.

Lyrics by Emilie Simon * Photomanipulation/collage by me.

i miss You

Wish you were here by Vladimir Borowicz

Since T. is my Owner i haven't crave (heavily) 'cause our meetings were regular and intense. Ofcourse there was this pleasant craving, but not this awful craving because of lack. A craving that hurts. But not a pleasant pain. A pain that gives you the feeling to climb against the wall. Because you don't know wheter you're standing on your head or on your heels. Because of this great lack.

The last few weeks i don't read often other blogs but i dose my reading. Because that awful craving has returned. I'm very happy for the, mostly intense, experiences of my also submissive bloggers. I am happy for them. But my feelings start to gnaw. A gnawing i try to suppress. This gnawing that stands for the great lack, the craving that hurts so badly.

The interaction between T. and myself is still less than it was before, but it feels as if we despite, or maybe just because of, are growing even more towards each other. T. let me strongely know that He cares a lot about me, that i (too) am important for Him. (Stay with me, I want you!)
That He loves me.

Which enlarge the lack and the craving, but it also makes me happy. It makes me happy to know that His thoughts about me, about us, comforts Him. In this for Him so hard times. So in fact i serve Him passively, indirectly. Knowing this soothes me. 'Cause i rejected my (mostly exciting) thoughts about Him. How can i allow myself to think this way while T. grieves the illness of His wife, His beloved one. But i can't just switch off my feelings ofcourse. 1 2 3 gone! To know that my Owner accepts His feelings, even though they are double-hearted sometimes, makes me also feeling less guilty. So i dare to send Him a mail about SM in stead of daily matters, that i allow myself to call Him Master again in textmessages. Our last phonecall, not so long ago, was very intense and it resulted in feeling His girl and slut. Feelings i forbit myself to feel.
When i will meet Him again i don't know, so the awful craving that hurts badly will continue in the time coming. I do hope the craving doesn't get worse.

(Virtual) hugs are much appreciated right now. ;-)

Handed down to my senses

* Click here to enter my garden. *

KATHARSIS

Confusion

It was a beautiful springday with lots of sunshine. I was still busy with some preparations as T. texted me that He wants to meet me at the station an hour earlier, so we can sit in the sun and talk before we leave for our usual location. Panic on all sides haha, 'cause i felt i wasn't ready yet, still too much to do. Besides i gladly wanted to pick up a parcel at the postoffice with a new toy.
As i entered the railway station on time (!) pfffff wíth new toy, my Owner startled me for being there. I suspected to meet Him at the platform. I saw His smiling eyes. He always catches me by surprise.

We decided to travel halfway and drink coffee in Driebergen. As usual, being a nervous subbie, i jabbered away a lot. As i, a few days later, evaluate our meeting, i was fed up with my chatter, so i asked T. to stop my mouth next time. Please? I'm not sure He will do that, i think He's amused as i nervously chatter. +

It was great to meet my Owner again; to see Him, listen to Him, taste Him. But i couldn't find some peace of mind. Not even as i waited for Him in the cellar. Naked. On my knees. For some hours we were together again in our own universum but i couldn't find the magic. The intensity of Us didn't touch me as deep as before. There were some new experiences (i write about it in some other posts) but it was hard to surrender myself. I had the feeling T. had some other things on His mind, that He wasn't with me completely. And it also seemed that i couldn't take much. But i was awfully craving for much; much pain, much humiliation. And most of all much of what T. wanted from me, taking no account of me.

As we were saying goodbye at the station i felt a little numb, a vague feeling. The day after it seemed as if i landed in sub-drop. I was very emotional and cried at every moment. Reflecting our meeting. Thinking that i wasn't good enough for my Owner. Thinking about these emotions i decided to mail T. about these feelings of insecurity and worrying. The scars from my former D/s liaisons appeared again: i was scared to express my feelings, scared for anger, although i know that T. isn't like that. I thought that my Owner has the right to know what my feelings are, in fact this is from essential importance. So i conquered my fears and sended the mail.

.......i hope that You only do the things Yóu find nice, pleasant and horny and if this turned out to be nice, horny etc. as well for me than i'm lucky. Only Yóu decide what is going to happen, if i like it or not. That makes me feel recognized and i can't imagine anything better than to please You, follow You, to do and to experience Your commands and desires, anything what You have in mind. Suffering under your hands and interest is what makes me happy......

Apparantly i'm asking for a harder approach without calculating my wishes. (and from that exactly calculating my wishes, how schizophrenic is that?) I was afraid to send the mail 'cause i don't wanna hurt Masters feelings or being unjust. Perhaps He don't understand what i'm talking about. Fortunately T. understands His subbie very well 'cause as He had received my mail He answered it immediately to set me at ease.

sweet girl,

don't be scared and thank you for your honest mail! Later more and details and everything. I love it that my subbie and girl is sincere. Sincerity is something else than hurting!

Bye sweetheart,

your Master T.

Gratitude and happiness. I'm such a lucky girl. Subbie cries, subbie smiles. For now i'm somewhat confused. Craving. Sometimes my submissive, masochistic feelings are difficult to unravel. I find them at times oh so conflicting. Opposite feelings. It's hard for me to ask things from my Owner. That doesn't suit a submissive? Meanwhile i still feel my bum (and it's a week ago that we've met) A deep dull ache, making me smile and feeling happy.

The naked self

Amazed i look at the green light of the webcam. The green light that isn't a green light. But the eyes of my Owner. No, i'm not craving that much that i go nuts or something. Craving, yes. And very astonished that even a chat on messenger with T. touches me that deeply.

At first we were talking about daily life. But soon enough there were our dark desires and fantasies. Making me giggle and blushing at the beginning because of my arising horniness. Somehow T. always manage to make me shy, ashamed of my hungry lust. Ofcourse T. mentions with emphasis my lust. He knows exactly how to make me feel small. Just like He knows how shy i become when observing me. He doesn't have a webcam, mine is on. This ofcourse intensifies the feeling of being observed. I have to stand up so T. can watch my tits. He commands me to place two pegs on my nipples. This hurts a lot, those miserable, sensitive nipples of mine. Then i'm allowed to sit again, so He can observe my face. Our conversation continues. About a fantasy that arouses me a lot. So the pain on my nipples fades away. I have to aim the camera on my face, a little bit closer. Looking straight into the camera. As if looking at Him. I have to finger myself, but i'm not allowed to orgasm.

Is that clear?
Yes Master.

Somewhat provoking i look up at the camera, eagerly starting to masturbate. But it doesn't take long, the lust to masturbate vanishes. I notice i become emotional. All the time looking at the camera but my hands resting calm in my lap. Tears welling up. I would like to hide my face behind my hands right now. Too naked. This is the first time someone is observing me this consciously. This is the first time someone is seeing me this clear. Wants to see me this clear. Restlessness befalls me and i sway my chair. Back and forth. There is silence, no messages i can focus on. Only a little green light observing me. T.'s eyes. Is He still there? What's He doing? It seems hours and time stands still. Because of my restlessness i suddenly feel the pain from the pegs again. Those i have to take down from my nipples right now!
No!

is the decided answer from my Owner. Which arouses me very much. Ah, He's still here and He is watching. He's watching me. I can feel His presence, His glance resting upon me. Then i surrender. Peace comes over me and i look straight into the camera. A smile upon my face.

To be continued......