Time breds roses

i couldn't wait to leave 2007 behind. This restless year full of troubles and sorrow. New years day always gives me a light feeling, the days getting longer, spring isn't that far away any more, full of new hope and expectations.

There was a lot going on in my SM life. The break up with my Master, the disappointing experience with Dominant R., the contact with Dominant H. Which i stopped some time ago. H. is a nice, sincere man but i guess it wasn't the right time for us to connect. There still was some noise from the past, some fantomes were wandering about, trying to force themselves on me before they finally solve in thin air. But those fantomes from the past did infect the beginning D/s relation with H. Apparently it wasn't supposed to be.

Because of the sorrow, disappointments and turmoil i started to think things over very carefully. Can i submit to a new D/s relationship in my life? Do i dare to give myself again? Conversations with Spanking Master (my friend and Mentor) lead to clear thoughts. Understanding my needs and desires. But it seemed as if i was tired of all this. i didn't feel those desires. Didn't want to feel them. Deeply tucked away. For a while this fellt good. Peace in my body. Peace in my mind. For a short time i had the illusion i was released from my intense craving and dark desires. If i felt arise a feeling of lack, i quickly pushed this feeling away. Succesfully. For as long as it lasts......

The spanking i received from Spanking Master was gorgeous and exactly what i needed. But even this spanking couldn't revive my submissive, masochistic feelings. It intensified only my feelings of lack. The lack of a Master demanding me, calling me His, doing with me whatever He wants. All that what i was trying to suppress, didn't want to feel.

Yesterday evening, it was already late. Suddenly, there it was. The intense craving. The deep longing. The restlessness. But it made me happy! i embraced this feeling, enjoying it, admitting it. i suppose this has to do with T. i am mailing this hedonic man for a while now. Lovely mails making me happy and looking forward to. They are on a friendly basis, out of curiosity towards each other. We write about life, art, music and ofcourse SM and dark fantasies. We didn't write each other with thoughts of a prospective D/s relationship. i didn't dare hoping about it. He is a friend making me happy with pleasant mails. But i have to admit i always feel submissive contacting him. From the very beginning. Some Dominants accomplish this feelings naturally. The ones you approach very politely. From the beginning i have this strong urge pleasing T. Afraid to disappoint him. Doing the best i can. Feeling a silly girl. Our contact was based on fascination for each others story. Friendship. Recently there is a change in our contact. Strongely D/s. So i now feel the little sparkle inside of me wasn't put out. Making me restless in a pleasant way. Yesterday evening.
And for now still feeling restless. Images of a Dominant grabbing me by my hair, forcing me on my knees. Strongely beating me with His belt. His knife touching my skin, softly carving. Leaving a small trail of blood. The heat of a burning cigarette close to the skin. He fucking me roughly without wondering if i like it. He takes, because He can. Oh how do i crave for not allowed to want something, not allowed to speak. Doing the things He desires, the one without compassion. Submitting myself, being there for His wishes and needs. That's my intention. i am a slave. Nothing more, nothing less. i do hope time will be on my side to realize this. Time that heals all wounds, sometimes crawling, other times flying, that comes and go, waits for no man, that is free but priceless. Time is on my side in 2008. i really do hope so. For myself and for you readers. Time breds roses.....