Everything

Perhaps you've noticed that in the lastest blog i have blotted out the word innocence and replaced it by the word virginity. A word is not just a word. Sometimes a word can summon different emotions.
"How can a cunt be guilty mo?" A subbiefriend of mine asked me this question. Never, i replied a little bit giggling. i was curious why she asked me this question. The reason was the following phrase from my latest blog; from the cunt that has lost it's innocence...... Losing your innocence for me doesn't imply by definition guilt. For me this hasn't a negative intonation. Hereby virginity is perhaps a better chosen word, because that's what i meant to say. i'm interested in the thoughts, emotions and motives of other people so i asked my friend if she wanna explain to me why this phrase was a negative one for her. More still; it cuts deeply thru' her soul.
For her the question is; Why is it, that most of the time female sexuality is burdened with negative emotions? If a vagina loses it's virginity, so therefore her innocence, where is the cock in this story? Isn't a cock just as guilty? Although i didn't place losing your virginity in this context, and doesn't see this in a negative way, i find this an interesting point of view. i didn't look at it this way. i'm grateful for the feedback i get from others because this enlarge my horizon and is giving me new perceptions. It means growth. Also i'm very curious what your opinions are about this topic. Perhaps there were more readers who interpret the phrase about the not longer innocent cunt as negative. Or maybe you're as surprised as i am? For me every human being is innocent as a baby ànd also as guilty as a sinner. In a positive way. Is that possible? A sinner in a positive meaning? i appreciate your comments very much.

i'm a sinner and a saint and everything in between.

Homecrafts and chromatics

Sometimes daily life is busy and hectic so there's no time to blog. But here i am again with new details of my SM experiences. At the moment i am very restless 'cause march 21 (Good Friday and the beginning of spring, how apt) i'll meet my Owner again. The whole afternoon, evening, night and morning. i look forward to it with intense desire. And some delightful anxious shivers 'cause T. has lots of (cruel) ideas. Naturellement. Besides He's very skilful and has made some enjoyable toys. A wooden dildo, with some handy lines to keep it in place. Also a wooden buttplug of which i think ouch! this is a huge buttplug. The second photo inspires my fantasy the most because of the atmosphere. The rough materials like bamboo canes, jute cloth, the timber. i can imagine myself kneeling on the log, feeling the rough jute cloth on my skin (also covering my head?) Then my Owner places agonizing and tantalizing slow His knife in the cloth to cut it loose, so that the cold metal finally, softly scraping, touches my skin, giving me pimples.

In a mail T. wrote about a loading ramp (from the bus?) in which i have to take place, naked, on my hands and knees. Hmmmmm such a delicious mindfuck, i wrote back to Him, thinking of the jute cloth covering my head. Who's talking about a mindfuck? I'm not. Ooooops, scary feelings and at the same time intense excitement. i'm slightly claustrofobic, i think, but for now i'm restless and heavenly jumpy. Very jumpy.

My Owner isn't the only one arduous tinkering. Nah, in the beginning of our relationship He has send me some orders to begin with. i had to paint two clothespins and upon them the fonts T/t. Upon one of them also the font 'l', upon the other one 'r'. i was allowed to choose the colours. The meaning of the fonts is clear. Right? Some time later i had to paint two clothespins again. This time i had to paint the fonts T/k upon them and again 'l' and 'r'. These clothespins will help me to toughen my nipples and labia 'cause sometimes i have to place the clothespins on them. As it happens to be far too long ago to have clamps or clothespins on my sensitive parts.

The artist in me didn't wanna use unthinkingly some nice colours. The colour i'll use has to be one with a symbolic meaning. The T/t clothespins are painted in a darkbrown colour: raw umber. An earthy colour absorbing most of the light. Intuïtive this colour can bring cosiness; thinking of a brown pub, coffee, chocolate. Umber derive from the Latin Ombra, meaning shadow. The inside and the 'bite' of the clothespin i've painted fiery red. Red is the colour of love, lust, passion, heat, energy and also anger. Red is frequently used as a symbol of guilt or sin, often as connected with blood or sex. But it's also used as a symbol of courage and sacrifice. In Roman Catholic tradition it is used for all feast days of Christian martyrs. T. likes this colour 'cause
it impersonates punished skin. The discolouration of your skin because of a sequence of beating that never seems to stop; your tortured skin that expires from scarlet red to vermilion to carmine red. These expiring play of colours you know all too well mo, and it's possible that I inform you about the progression of this range of colouring when punishing you.
The T/k clothespins are painted with the same red, but the outside is, for the contrast, ivory white. Oh yes, and this sweet subbie makes it easy for her Owner; so that He doesn't have to look which pin is right or left. So, instead of the fonts 'l' and 'r' i made a symbol symbolising cunt. A circle and within it a line.
According to Goethe there was nothing as intact as white light. i like this 'cause pain is healing me, making me intact. White has àll the colours in it. Intuïtive, white is the colour of innocence and purity. Which symbolise the little girl in me. Also: from the cunt that has lost it's innocence virginity becomes new life, innocence. A white flag stands for surrender yourself. i hope you can follow a bit my line of thought. Therefore the clothespins are each others antithesis; dark-light, ying-yang, but also identical, interconnected thru the colour of blood. They make each other complete like a Dominant and a submissive complete each other.

Meanwhile i'm happily jumpy till the first day of spring.

Bad girl

Everything's alright with me, only a little bit busy though. For now a picture that suits the sunday. A new blog is coming soon, please have some patience. ;-)

Photograph The submissive by Lucky Luck

A strange place for coming home

But in past time You thought such a cabine is revolting? i look at Him in an i-can't-believe-it way.
"This time it will be different mo, trust Me."

The naughty little girl feeling is still there as we enter the videotheque. Fortunately there are no other customers. The decent man behind the desk behaving in a impartial way. When T.'s deliberating with the man, i so called interested go through the DVD's. We have to choose one. Ofcourse i'm looking at the SM movies. The one more ridiculous than the other considering the covers. T. grabs one, takes my hand and we're walking to the back.

It's a little room. With a not real leather sofa, a low table with a large televison. It doesn't smell and actually it's clean. i imprint myself that the sofa gets desinfected every time. No, i don't have fear of stains. ;-) Such a strange situation. Here i am, with a Man i'm acquainted with for not so long, who i call recently my Owner, in a cabine of a sexvideotheque. A so called 'jerk off room'. And i'm feeling at ease, curious to what will happen next. T. places the DVD at the player. i start to laugh 'cause the Dominant and his victim in the movie are speaking a kind of Russian. But ofcourse, that's not the point in a room like this. A good story.
T. blindfolds me and commands me to undress. Clumsy, 'cause i can't see anything, i remove my clothes. i don't feel any embarrassment or insecurity. Naked, into the light, i'm standing in front of Him, knowing He's looking at me. i feel small, but full of trust. He turns me around, pushing me face forward, my hands on top of the television. Of which i can hear in this strange language the woman counting in the blows she's audibly clear receiving. Then i receive the first blow from T. This moves me very much, emotionally. This is the exact beginning of our D/s relationship. A warm feeling of love. i get another blow and more. The sounds of the DVD are forced back to the background. The hands of T. making my behind glow. Enlighted i push my buttocks in the direction of His hands, wanting more. And i get more, much more.

"How many blows did you receive mo?"

i don't have the answer, because i didn't count. Meaning my Owner starts again from the beginning. Aloud i count in. The astonishment i feel because of my serenity and dedication. In the past it often happened that i, first time playing, being blindfolded, in a strange place, fellt nauseous. Not now with T. Peace of mind, trust and excitement was what i fellt. So i surrender myself to Him completely.

On my hands and knees on the uncomfortable floor. The cane hitting my behind and i start to float. T.'s joy because of my deepred coloured buttocks. My knees are hurting, i wanna relief them from the pain so i crawl to the sofa to hang over it. More blows from the cane. From then i don't know exactly how or when.
F l o a t i n g..........
T. is sitting upon me, so i feel His weight on me. i suppose because He can hit me better and He has a good look on the colouring progress of my behind. T. loves to observe. His weight takes away my breath a bit but i love it to feel Him this way. The feeling to be nothing more than a fun toy that He wants to examine thoroughly. His weight on me is giving me a safe, protected feeling. Then He turns me around. He unbuckles His trousers. The sound of the belt He's tearing loose giving me shivers of desire.

"This is what you're craving for, isn't it slut of Mine? Feeling my belt on your soft skin?"

An approving sigh full of longing escapes my lips. Then i feel the slap of His belt on my already glowing skin. But what a joy! Silently i hope my "ouch! ouch!" cries are not holding Him back. It didn't. This dull aching gets through deeply. This delicious deep pain shuddered for days. Like some strange muscular pain. In fact i still feel it, but no longer that intense.

He's standing in front of me, i'm sitting on the sofa looking up. Though blindfolded i can feel His intense, observing glance on me. Making me modest and that feels so good. He's slapping His hard cock in my face, changing it at times by filling my hungry mouth. Deep in my throat. He pushes me back on the sofa. Therefore laying backwards, not worrying about my body anylonger ;-), my legs widely spread, i lay there totally opened for Him. Clamps on my nipples and on my cunt. Because of the clamps on my cunt my clit is pushed upwards. Softly T. is blowing over my clit and takes me in His mouth. An intense orgasm follows. Then i amaze myself even more. i've never done this before, couldn't say or ask it, but this time it happened. i'm begging T. to give me some more pain. He hits my breasts and my cunt hard. At some point i'm offering my cunt for more blows of His hand and the cane. Other (or more?) clamps on my labia. On it attached a chain and some weights. Weights i already saw on a photo; looking like beautiful little towers. Rather heavy. My Owner pulls on the chain, making the weights move. i can't remember it, but then i cried stop! T. removes the clamps. Again He fills my mouth with His masculinity. i tease Him a bit with my tongue. At last He pushes himself deep in my mouth, His hands in a firm grip grabbing my hair, still deeper in my throat, i suppress the urge to heave. Humiliating words at my direction, telling me what else He has in mind tormenting me, making me very, very aroused. i feel how He's holding my head vigorous as He growly ejaculates.

Talking about Cathedrals......

The traveller

Such a beautiful day today. Perhaps the sun was shining so bright because of me glowing in such an intense way. The meeting with T. yesterday was so fulfilling.
It started early; taking a nice shower, shaving myself as smooth as can be. Then His instruction; me in front of the mirror. Because my thoughts are already strongely focussed on my Owner, He fellt very close. While i looked at myself He sended me a textmessage. Do i obey His dictated instructions like a good girl does? Ofcourse! was my answer to Him. Beautiful clothes, shiny brushed hair, a nice perfume. Time was flying. It was time to go. A little bit nervous i left home. Because T. had planned something pleasant thrilling while travelling towards Him. When i was younger i had some wild years, doing lots of things God forbid, but T. proved me yesterday how well-behaved i am and such a scaredy-cat hihi.

Entering the railwaystation, you directly go to the waiting train at track 3A. Yes mo, you understand me well, don't buy a ticket! In the train mo, you already walk into the direction of DB and you find yourself a first class carriage. i want you to trust Me completely, despite of the fact you are travelling illegal, first class as well, and the possibility to be caught with all awkward consequences.

Argh! i find this scary. i understand this has to do with trust and surely i did what my Owner commanded me, as a good little girl. But my heart was beating fast and loud. i had to sit down in the carriage with separate compartments, close the door, take a seat with my back in the direction of DB. My Owner thought this over carefully. This has a symbolic intention; not knowing what will happen in DB, and as i look outside the window i see my hometown disappear into the distance. i wrote before about the ingenuity of T. All of the time i am amazed by and enjoying His ideas.
When i'm settled down i have to take off my knickers and spread my legs. The space between my legs has to be 30 centimeters. Shameless indeed, that's quite a lot, try it. While i'm doing all this for Him i can sense His closeness, experience intensely i'm His. He will protect me, guard me, possess me. Only then, as i concentrate myself on Him, feeling warm air stroking my thighs, alongside the seam of my stockings, ending at my open, warm cunt, Hís warm slutty cunt, only then i'm allowed to send Him a textmessage that i'm ready for my Owner.

But reality catches up with me. i was just sitting down for a minute or so as a conductor walks past and looks inside the compartment. Some minutes later he walks back and looks again inside the compartment. Explicit. Argh, nervously i send a message to T. that the conductor probably at first will control if i have a ticket. Ofcourse no reaction from T. Only silence. i try to relax and focus my thoughts on Him. To feel His closeness. This succeeds only partially. As soon as the train starts to move i send Him the message that i'm ready. Then i have to place my hands in my lap, palms open, bowing my head, closing my eyes. Obedient i do what my Owner wants me to do while i hear the murmur of my blood and the pounding of my heart. Gently the door is pushed open. i can't manage to sit down peacefully. In a reflex i quickly open my eyes to see T. is standing in front of me.
"Oh i am só glad to see You!" i blurt out. In fact i'm fed up of my fear and i'm hoping not to disappoint my Owner that much. But He draws me to Himself, pushing me against Him, His arms firm around me. Not much later the conductor checks the tickets.
The little compartment is nice and private. T. takes a measuring-tape and checks out the space between my knees. i provoked Him in a mail asking Him if He would bring a measuring-tape. Tacit He grabs my arm and draws three black lines on it. The space between my knees was 27 centimeters. He blindfolds me. My ears taking over my view, i hear Him groping about His bag. Suddenly i feel His grip on my thighs and a stinging pain. Three times. My brain is working hard to understand what it is i feel. It feels like clothes pins but the pain is different. Stinging, almost burning. As if there's a needle thru my skin. He takes along my thoughts further. His hands on my cunt, feeling, pinching, pulling. His fingers in me. Then clamps on my labia, some weight also i think, a chain between the clamps. He's pulling the chain, moving it fast back and forth. Vibrating aches thru my cunt and body making me wet. And wetter. Again His fingers in me, and the pulling at the chain making me cum in a delicious orgasm. Then again i feel this strange stinging pain on my thighs. He's pulling the clamps off. It seems to be the ones with malicious sharp teeth.

He removes the blindfold and we're talking and enjoying each others company. What He's doing to me, i don't know. But if He's around me i constantly wanna give Him little kisses, crawling with Him. He makes me surrendering myself to Him unrestrained, including intense lust. When i'm with Him i am constantly very aroused and i giving it in. i dare to. He makes me feeling His slut without feeling cheap. Because He guides me thru this circle of emotions adding also the submissive, the masochist, the little girl and the woman Mo. All in one.
He draws black circles around the red marks on my thighs. You can see them still today which makes me happy. Much too soon we are in DB. i take His hand and we start to walk. Heading for total submission.

The walk.

Ofcourse we were drinking coffee and talking a lot. i had to tell Him what i saw looking into the mirror observing myself. Looking thru His eyes. Which i find difficult but He helped me. Letting me know that we also will do this together. While He is standing behind me He tells me what He sees. His hands touching me everywhere. In the end i'll see my body the way He sees me. Desirable. That's the intention.
We're going into the Cathedral. There i had to point out the spots that stimulate my fantasy. Telling Him about it. There were too many people around to do something exciting. But in my mind i can still feel my Owners hand grabbing my behind or He pushing me against the wall.

We're in a shopping street. T. is mumbling something about a fitting room. Some nervous giggling from my side. Reluctantly i follow Him, entering a shop where they are selling clothes i never should wear. T. looks at me with a 'the clothes doesn't matter' glance. Purposeful He walks to the fitting rooms and i follow Him. i keep laughing nervously and whispers to Him that we have to take some clothes with us to try on. Aren't we? At the fitting rooms there's a man waiting for his wife. He observes us with curiosity. Making me more giggling and faint-hearted. T.'s walking back into the shop, i follow Him as a good girl. He takes the first garment He sees and walks back to the fitting rooms. The curious man is still waiting there. T. walks to the room at the very end, placing the plush furnished stool in the doorway. He sits down. i have to undress me. The curtain isn't closed. i hear the wife of the curious man saying she has no breasts. i chuckle. Meanwhile T. is groping me everywhere. Looking at me. In this far too bright light. After a while i'm allowed to dress myself. Imperturbable T. says this garment isn't good for me. We're walking back into the shop. i feel the eyes of curious man burning in my back. Like a naughty, little girl.
Outside, my hand in His. With strain i can suppress the urge to frolic. Exuberant, that's how i feel. Then He says;
"Well, and now we're going to the sexvideotheque. The one with the cabines."

This story, you have to wait for. Patiently. ;-)

Naked

So much to write about, but i can't. Besides; my brains seems to be made of jelly. Do you recognise this symptom? Bright young (ahum) lady changes into a giggling creature talking nonsense as soon as her Owner is in sight.
Yeah, there it is. Owner. T. doesn't like the word Master. So other words are needed to define the D/s relationship we're in. Even though it's a beginning relationship. i like the word Owner. It's a beautiful word. T. seems to take and desire ever more and i'm delighted about that. He feels more and more as my Owner, Possessor, Tormentor. Especially the Tormentor this weekend by sending me titillating e-mails. Making me restless, craving. Giving me scary shivers because of the delicious tortures He is thinking about.



Early tuesday morning i'll stand before a mirror, naked. At His request. i'll look at myself, from top to toe. This doesn't bother me, i like myself. But imagining He's looking at me is something different.
See yourself as your Owner sees you: My subbie thru My eyes.
Then i feel insecure and very vulnerable. Then i find it very difficult to look at myself. My soft, round, lushy curves are so very round and lushy. i notice every unevenness. Preferably i wanna cover my body and don't look again. But i will look at myself, observe every inch of this body. Because He wants me to.
See yourself in complete defencelessness and devotion mo, see your body in all her beauty and be aware that I wish to see you, to grope you, I wish to use and abuse you, hurt you, slap you.
i answered that i was fully aware of all of this. And probably He will observe me in full daylight where you can see every knob. No soft pink light which makes the skin glow and tarnish all unevenness. i seem to have a soft skin. Vulnerable, that's how i will feel. Please, don't look at me. Use and abuse me, hurt me, spill Your semen on and in me, but please don't look at me. Ever so frail in this too big body.

Ofcourse He wíll look at me, i'll feel His glance burning on me. With inhibited breath ánd belly i'll surrender myself to Him. Full of trust. He'll see my dedication and fragility.

Tuesday you will be Mine!

Aubade

i had (and have by the way) never the idea that there's something wrong with my labia. My inner labia are larger than the outer ones. Then i saw on the telly, with great astonishment, that nowadays young girls and women are talked into a complex. Apparently big inner labia aren't normal. Says who? i immediately think, but oh well. After bleaching your arse (pardon?) and narrowing your cunt it seems to be necessary to reduce your big labia girl. Duh, whatever!

This is what T. wrote to me about my 'too big' labia; lovely fleshy, lushy and hand-ful slutcunt! And He sended me, meant as an aubade for my labia, the following link. Completely dedicated to big labia. Djeez, devise something crazy and there is a site about it. But thank You T. Sir for your passionate description of my labia. i still feel your firm grip there.

And ladys; how do your labia look like? ;-)

Trust

Photograph; Little pet by HOTgraFX

Trust is one of the posts in a relationship. Since the very beginning i feel familiar with T. And when we met RL that tuesday and saw each other for the first time that familiar feeling was still there, the trust. After this meeting, as you could read, i felt jumpy, yearning and dreamy. The promiss T. made to see each other again made me happy. And that's an understatement.

The friday after i received a mail from Him that made me more restless. He wrote He was travelling North, passing my hometown.

Do you travel a bit along with Me?

i send Him a mail back in which i describe a sexy story about what will happen when i get in the train. i had a busy weekend so fortunately not much time for craving but ofcourse sometimes my thoughts were wandering. At monday i send Him a sms;

and....did You see me waving at You?

That monday i was busy working. Tuesday goes by. Since friday there was this loud silence. i began to worry. i mail Him that it was a week ago that we met, so nearby, but it also seems so far away. That everything is softly glowing inside of me.

Wednesday...... silence. i try to banish my growing agitation; i do know T. is a busy man, travelling a lot because of His work. He made me this promiss to be clear, that He won't drop me. Because of the betrayed trust in former relationships i didn't manage to suppress my insecurity. i feel embarrassed about this. In the evening i feel so much stress that i mail Him about my restless, insecure feelings. Fortunately at thursdays it's also very busy at work, but when i finally arrive home, i immediately open my mailbox. There it is; His name glistens towards me. i wait for awhile, dare not open it. Reading the first phrase takes away all turmoil. Radiant i continue reading.

Hi, sweet tumbling and restless subbie of Mine.

Again i read this phrase. Of Mine. These words make me glow. This is how i feel it, how i wanna feel. As a submissive i am His. His mail contains some virtual punishment.

Shame on you mo! Three times shame on you! Because you doubted me.

i dó feel ashamed, but i feel ashamed laughing 'cause i feel so happy right now! Indeed T. was travelling because of His work. He promisses me that from now on He'll not keep me ignorant when He's away. Because of this grace i need to fulfil a command. i'll do it with heartiness. More about that in a next blog.

Glowing i will enjoy my weekend. i feel good and renowned. From now on i will not feel insecure unrest. His words touching me deep inside, giving me peace and trust. More than.......