Leash on

Because i constantly pushed forward the orders i had received from T., i explored my motives. Why is that? Ofcourse there were some good reasons why i didn't accomplish these orders, but nevertheless. Was there really not the possibility and time to do it in between my daily activities? Naturally, if i accomplish an order from my Owner, i just don't do it unthinkingly. Then i am concentrated and focused on His wish. Was there really, r e a l l y all this time no possibilieties or didn't i want to accomplish my Owners wish? My unwillingness wasn't deliberate, but i noticed within myself a restraint. Something was holding me back. A recognizable returning pattern.
Before T. went away on his holidays, our contact was a little bit less intense then i was used to. Only a short time. I already wrote about this in my blog 'Sunlight'. Just before He was leaving i had him on the phone to take away my uncertainty. Then there was 2 weeks of silence. But i do feel his presence in my heart, soul, body and thoughts so He wasn't far away. But why didn't i still not accomplish the orders? My Owner had given me space and time, but i find out that thát is just the breaking point. If i get too much space, i revolt. I don't wanna have this space, i wanna feel the leash. My Owner keeping me on a string, pulling the leash tight. And sometimes that is difficult in a D/s relationship like ours. Not seeing each other that very often. But it is possible and now i have experienced this.
Perhaps T. was still a bit careful because our relationship, even though already so intense, is quite new. Besides i find it difficult as a slave to point out my desires. Doesn't it look like manipulation or topping from the bottom? Ofcourse this is nonsense, i know. If i point out my desires, T. will decide what He's going to do with it. The lovely http://slutondisplay.blogspot.com/ wrote somewhere: 'a Dominant is not a mindreader.' I agree with that. When i pronounced my feelings to my Owner about feeling adrift He didn't react surprised at all. On the contrary, it inspires Him even more to pull the leash tighter. In a lovely, subtle way i feel how my Owner requires and takes more. Subtle but clear as water. In his sometimes severe, mostly caring mails and textmessages He has me where He wants me to be. An undertone of sadism is simmering and i am waiting, full of desires, for our next meeting when the simmer starts burning.