Blood

I'm getting nervous. Within 2 days i'll meet my Owner again and i don't know how or when or what. Hah! Am i a controlefreak or what? I dó know that because of daily circumstances our meeting will be shorter than other times. But hey, i am very happy to look my Owner in the eye again. My Tormentor. By the way this title comes from T. himself. I wouldn't dare to call Him that. ;-) Also Tormentor because of some url's He sended me. For inspiration. Ehmm inspiration? Oooops uncomfortable is more like it. On the sites lots of photographs of women putting all kind of things in their cunt. Strange but most of all huge objects. These photo's aren't beautiful at all. To look at them i find embarrassing and humiliating but perhaps that's the reason why T. wants me to look at them in the first place. Main point however , and ofcourse i felt it coming, is that i have to stretch my cunt also. The final destination is T. fisting me, using His whole hand. Ooops again. Two times i've experienced fisting. It was very hot and i loved it, but my former Master wasn't carefull at all. He kept his sealring around his finger, was very rough as he withdraw his hand from me, to conclude that i was bleeding.

'Don't be frightened but you are bleeding.'

So it has been a while since the last time i was fisted. The idea to experience this again excites me, but also frightens me. The difference now is that i know i have a very careful Owner. Our last meeting T. made a little beginning; four fingers in me. But not yet the result He is aiming for. So therefore He gave me this order to start stretching my cunt. I find this sound a little scary, being afraid that my cunt will be so much stretched that it transforms in some kind of a 'too much too stretched thing.' (lubberding) LOL Meaning being afraid that the muscles stay stretched and don't tighten again. Or the fear of cannot holding my pee any longer. I know this is nonsense (again) but despite it..........

Still constanty feeling very submissive and ofcourse i didn't wanna disappoint my Owner again, i was looking for things wich i could put in. You know. A lot didn't seem possible. Ha! Scaredy-cat that i am. Then i noticed the little plastic bottle in which the sterile fluid of my lenses. (There must be a better and shorter word for it) Not too big, just beautiful to begin with. But do you think that such a little bottle can be put in easily? Well no, it doesn't. While i was/am very aroused and really very wet. (I have an orgasmban so i am constantly in an aroused mood) The textmessages i received from T. made me even wetter. But i didn't manage to put in that stupid little flask. Than i had this good idea; first of all i use my dildo. I have a big seized one.

* Now i am blushing. In proportion as this blog progress i become more shy. Is it because i don't wanna admit how slutty i really am? *

I put in the dildo, as deep as possible. Normally half of it suffice. I moved the dildo back and forth deeply. In and out. At the moments i felt approaching an orgasme i stopped. Orgasm-ban! The dildo wasn't switched on, no delightful buzzing and titilating impulses on my clit, so therefore i could postpone my climax. It wasn't easy though. Very aroused and very moist i switched the dildo for the flask. Softly pushing, a little bit turning, continuous a little bit further. Ofcourse the flask is bigger than the dildo. But at last i managed to put in the whole flask. Such a nice full feeling. I couldn't suppress the feeling to move the flask back and forth. Constant stopping just in time before..... Then making pictures for my Owner and send them to Him. I am so grateful that i don't have to place these pictures on this blog. When i carefully removed the flask from my cunt, there was blood on the tip. Only a short time i was scared and feeling dizzy, but this quickly changed into a proud feeling. This time i didn't let my Owner down.

T. was more then contented. He gave me permission to climax one time that day. Just once. Immidiately i made use of this opportunity. You can imagine that it didn't take long until i orgasm. For now i am busy with the preparations for our next meeting. The shaving ritual, what shall i wear, what will happen? Yet two restless nights of sleep and then the restlessness will be over. For a while. For now i'm loosing myself in dark, scary but oh so yummie thoughts, bouncing like a ping-pong pelet. In all directions.

Leash on

Because i constantly pushed forward the orders i had received from T., i explored my motives. Why is that? Ofcourse there were some good reasons why i didn't accomplish these orders, but nevertheless. Was there really not the possibility and time to do it in between my daily activities? Naturally, if i accomplish an order from my Owner, i just don't do it unthinkingly. Then i am concentrated and focused on His wish. Was there really, r e a l l y all this time no possibilieties or didn't i want to accomplish my Owners wish? My unwillingness wasn't deliberate, but i noticed within myself a restraint. Something was holding me back. A recognizable returning pattern.
Before T. went away on his holidays, our contact was a little bit less intense then i was used to. Only a short time. I already wrote about this in my blog 'Sunlight'. Just before He was leaving i had him on the phone to take away my uncertainty. Then there was 2 weeks of silence. But i do feel his presence in my heart, soul, body and thoughts so He wasn't far away. But why didn't i still not accomplish the orders? My Owner had given me space and time, but i find out that thát is just the breaking point. If i get too much space, i revolt. I don't wanna have this space, i wanna feel the leash. My Owner keeping me on a string, pulling the leash tight. And sometimes that is difficult in a D/s relationship like ours. Not seeing each other that very often. But it is possible and now i have experienced this.
Perhaps T. was still a bit careful because our relationship, even though already so intense, is quite new. Besides i find it difficult as a slave to point out my desires. Doesn't it look like manipulation or topping from the bottom? Ofcourse this is nonsense, i know. If i point out my desires, T. will decide what He's going to do with it. The lovely http://slutondisplay.blogspot.com/ wrote somewhere: 'a Dominant is not a mindreader.' I agree with that. When i pronounced my feelings to my Owner about feeling adrift He didn't react surprised at all. On the contrary, it inspires Him even more to pull the leash tighter. In a lovely, subtle way i feel how my Owner requires and takes more. Subtle but clear as water. In his sometimes severe, mostly caring mails and textmessages He has me where He wants me to be. An undertone of sadism is simmering and i am waiting, full of desires, for our next meeting when the simmer starts burning.

Despite my sense of guilt i was going to work singing

So much to write about, where will i begin? First of all i'll tell you about the shame and the accompanying feelings of guilt. As i wrote before my Owner had given me some commands that i postpone again and again. Ofcourse, i had some good reasons to do that, but when T. came back from His holidays and find an empty mailbox these reasons didn't suffice. A good slavegirl takes and finds the time to accomplish her Masters wish. Doesn't she? Examining my reasons i find out there were some deeper emotions behind my unintentional unwillingness. I recognise a pattern. I'll write about this in another blog. The thought that my Owner must be very disappointed in me made me sad. But He didn't show me his disappointment, He gave me understanding and compassion. Which makes me feel more guilty, you can imagine. Meanwhile i sended Him mails and textmessages hoping to take away the disappointment in me. Then T. sended me a severe email in which He made very clear that i couldn't get off the hook that easily. Ofcourse i wouldn't.


My bouncing and disobedient slave;
I'll make sure that you accomplish my command this tuesday!
Tuesday you will be ready at 10 o'clock!
you'll do what I command you!


Apparently i needed this. Immediately i sended Him a mail back out of inspiration. I'll be ready for you Master. With it i sended the two photographs you can see in this blog and the one from my previous blog. As soon as i pushed the button 'send' i realised my mistake. This mail would end at the mailbox of my Owners job. Normally i always check the url, but this time, in my submissive, guilty mood i just didn't. Oh how stupid i felt and how negligent! I wished i could crawl into the computer to recall my mail. It was already late but i sended T. a mail where i confessed my stupidity. Hoping He was still awake and could do something about it. With thousand exuces ofcourse. Also i sended Him a textmessage, hoping that...... Silence, T. was already asleep and i couldn't change a thing. I went to bed but couldn't sleep very well. The next morning again i sended my Owner a textmessage with lots of excuses and that i was a stupid bitch, a birdbrain and fellt very miserable. I had to go to work but couldn't think of anything else. For awhile my Owner let me dangle and sweat, but at last, just before i had to go, i received His releasing answer.
For now sorry is sufficient, but the punishment is expanding at His great pleasure. And He loves me also if i make mistakes. It's a lesson you have to learn in humility, bowing and penance.
Amazement and gladness 'cause in former D/s relationships it went totally different. My second Master made me feel miserable and guilty for days and feeling small in a negative way. My guilty feelings lessened and swapped for an exulting mood. I felt small and submissive but most of all very happy. In the evening T. sended me the following email:

Senseless, unaware slavegirl of Me;
You àre a birdbrain and a stupid bitch!
But mo, you're also a vivid woman who can make mistakes,
you're also My girl,
most of all you're My slut and My slave;
in other words: you are Mý mo!

Enclosed the remark that He will not spare me if we meet each other again next thursday. But all along it becomes clearer and clearer that i really am His slave. My submissiveness deepens even more, as well because of my increasing trust and the awareness that He will never let me down. Next day stroke of the clock ten hours i was ready for my Owner to accomplish His wish.

Slavegirl feelings: light headed and a wild heartbeat

For some time i couldn't find the words to write a new blog. Enough inspiration, but the right words were lacking. Also there's the rush of daily life, too much rush at the moment. Never a quiet moment. My Owner and i talked on the phone today and i am a very happy slavegirl, happier then i ever could dream of. The words for a new blog are in my head, time is still a bit lacking though, but i'm working on it, it won't take long for some new words here.
The shame written on my hand is quiet a story, it produced more intensification of my submissiveness. I'll thank the ones who commented here, please have some patience, soon i'll bring you a visit again.
Sweet greetz from a slave who's walking on sunshine right now.

My treat!

It's my birthday..... go ahead take some sweets, there's enough for everybody and for everybody's taste. Also chocolate for sweet subbies. I don't take some, i am happy with my straitjacket while i happily blow my party-tooter. You see; it's on my list of things making me happy. I would love to have on a straitjacket once while playing. Hooray! Who knows, some day.

At the moment i'm very, very busy. Not only my birthday, also my eldest son, two weeks ago, and my hubbie next week. Busy with work also. So the weekends are busy, and during the week it's also running, running, running and little breaks. Soon i'll visit all my favourite blogs again. Haven't forgotten you.
My Owner is back from His holidays. Biiiiig smile. So therefore lots of restlessness. And lots of daydreaming about harsh, twisted fantasies that hopefully will become real. I need severe pain right now. It won't take long till we'll meet again.

There's a lot to write about, but little time at te the moment. But i toast on life in general and a special toast for Tormentors and their craving slaves. Cheers!

Photograph; Nathalie suspended by Singing Naturist.

A nice photograph for craving and dreaming submissives. The knowing that T. soon is back from His holidays is making me jumpy and longing. It won't take long for our next meeting. *sigh*

Jump....jump..... jump.... I bonce into the garden, perhaps the sun will calm me down. ;-)

Shelter

The sensuality of many green colours and exposing twigs.

The sun kisses my body, the wind is playing with my hair.

While birds are cooing and singing a song of desire.

Because of the beautiful weather my desires are blazing and i'm dreaming of a play in a silent forest. i miss T. for almost a week now, 'cause He's on a holiday. He'll be back the 12th of may. Fortunately i am very busy 'cause my kids don't have to go to school for 2 weeks, so there're kids lodging, my eldest son's birthday, lots of visitors. And i love it, 'cause it's a nice stay in the garden with friends, good meals and chilled white wine.
Sometimes a walk in the woods which blazes my desires a lot. Ofcourse then i see nice trees on which my Owner could tie me up, twigs bound together that can make my body glow, nettles and thorns each giving a different but oh so bittersweet pain.

Today i worked in the garden, chopping down some bamboo. If i see a nice stalk, i try it on my hands. The woesjjjj sound of the cane to be giving memories ánd craving for my Owner hitting me with it. It will be good weather for some time so therefore i'm most of the time in the garden in stead of behind my computer.

I have an Order from T., but with the kids hanging around and the many visitors i can accomplish the Order only next week. I hope this nice weather will last so that the next meeting with my Owner take place in the woods. Where He'll driving me towards this quiet forest while i'm in the trunk, waiting for what will happen.

While the heart beats passion

Photograph; God said no by Suzi9mm

Her hands
decently folded
above the blankets

while the heart beats passion.

Veiled secrets

upon her devoted face.

The slow and lonely blazing

from a humble fire.
The cell where she sleeps is dark.
Silent yearnings.

Raw dreams that hurt.
In a frenzied heat
between tribulation

and tranquillity

she touches the belly
of her heaven.

Her nails tormenting

the sinful flesh

until she bleeds.

She seems untouched by this fire.
Unaffected tears

clearing her dark heart.

© Moonheart april 2008

Sunlight

Lately i was very tired. Therefore i hadn't accomplish a Command my Owner asked me to do. That made me feel guilty. The feeling to disappoint your Owner is the worst feeling a submissive can have. In a mail i had explained why it take so long. Ofcourse i take His Command serious and as soon as i have regain some energy i'll do what He wants me to do.
Take your time to find your balance. Your basis and your most important being and possession are your health, your family and your own life! I'm not disappointed, but i wish for you all strenghth and wisdom for now.
Such a lovely mail. My Owner is an intelligent but also very empathic man. So i could let go my guilty feelings. Though somewhere something stayed picking. Was the little girl in me afraid that her Owner wouldn't find her a sweet girl any longer.

Between our meetings the communication between my Owner and me goes by mail and sometimes a text message. And incidentally we phone each other. This is sufficient for me, it feels good because of the strength of our togetherness. I'm a little surprised by it, 'cause this is new for me. i spoke everyday with my former Masters on messenger and by sms. This can be oppressive at times. A commitment that doesn't feel comfortable. Besides it can influence your daily life/relationship in a negative way. Sometimes that did happen to me, i got lost too much in the D/s relationship. (I'm in a vanilla relationship. My love/hubbie doesn't have SM feelings, so He gives me the freedom to explore my submissive, masochistic feelings with my Owner) Also; to talk every day with your Master doesn't guarantee commitment and trust. Not earlier i've felt myself so confident and known as in this D/s relationship with T. Not earlier i've felt the togetherness as strong as i feel now. (i'm talking about my D/s relationships, not my vanilla one. My hubbie and i are together for 27 years now.) Also there is a perfect balance between my daily life and my submissive life.

T. does travel a lot for His work, last weekend was His birthday, and end of the week He's on a holiday with His family for 2 weeks. Therefore very busy. So His mail came less frequently. No, that's not right, there was a maximum of five days between the mail. And this happened once. It felt for me, girl with feelings of guilt as if His mail came less often. Perhaps His mail was less extensive then i got used to, but His words still were as sparkling as always and made very clear who i am for T. His girl, slut, slave. But the insecure girl was craving for more connection, needed soft caresses, was looking for confirmation. Perhaps the reason for this has also to do with the fact that our next meeting is only halfway may. I send T. a mail in which i describe Him my feelings. Full of trust, without fear. I point this out, because in former D/s relationships i was frightened to expose my insecure feelings. The answer was most of the time anger or manipulation. I often felt worthless. This says a lot concerning my former relationships. This also says much concerning me.
Because it was weekend, i had to wait a little bit for an answer. The girl in me became very restless. Yesterday morning i send Him a text message. Sweet Tormentor, i wish you a very nice day.

Who's are you and are you alone?
My heart jumped. i'm alone at home. i have to sit down on a chair, bare abdomen, astride so that the sun can strike my cunt. Phone, clamps and weight next to me. Eyes closed. A pity that the sun shined not yet into the room, but the intent is clear. For now T. is the Sun and i am His moonheart. My minds eye sees His face. Intense, concentrated, sparkles in His eyes. As the phone rings i answer it as fast as i can. His voice that warms and soothes me.
"I'm with you mo. I'm standing right in front of you."
In a reflex i open my eyes, for a moment i thought He really was standing here. Beautiful mindplay. I feel Him so close, i'm so focussed on Him. I close my eyes again and listen. Before He leads me towards a play, He makes very clear that He's fond of me. All my aspects. Also the insecure girl. In fact He understands her. He will never let me go down. I have to repeat His words.
Then i have to place two pegs on my labia. There are little rings on the pegs, i have to attach some weight on the rings. After that i have to hit myself hard. Ten times on my cunt. Audible. It brings on some nice glowing 'cause for sure i am doing all the best i can. Besides; if my Owner can't hear a blow i have to hit myself again. Then i have to grope my cunt. Ofcourse i'm very, very wet. Ever since the very first second i am aware of the presence of my Owner i become liquid. I'm always surprised how very liquid. Attaching some more weight, swinging my hips, feeling how much the pegs and weight are pulling my labia i have to hit myself again. Audible. A finger deep in my cunt, another one and another one, my hand. I have small hands so i can manage it reasonably well. Moving in and out, sturdy, so that T. can hear how wet His slut is. The hitting and fingering interchange. Finally i have to (may) masturbate myself to a climax. This i find almost as embarrassing as masturbating while He's watching me. My Owner reminds our last meeting - Do you rememeber? - He describes my cunt. Which He finds so delicious. The clanging of the weight disturbs my concentration. I may remove them. His voice in my ear, humiliating, ravishing degrading words. It doesn't take long as i cum in a warm and intens orgasm.

My sweet mo, do you feel connected? Do you feel yourself My Property? Do you feel loved? Do you feel your throbbing wet slutcunt? Do you feel. Mine?

I've never felt as understood and known as now. It makes me happy. Yes my sweet Tyrant. i feel You. And i am. Your Property, girl, slut, slave. And i love You too.

The rest of the day i was shining more intense than the sun.

Though i feel myself small * My ordeal in front of my Owner

Photograph by Lula Robins

Orgasm on command i find very hard to do. Five...four...three...two...one...NOW! Then i obstruct the feeling. i could manage this very few times and i find it very exciting. However. Also very difficult for me is to masturbate while my Owner is watching me. When T. in the hotelroom placed two chairs opposite of each other, i knew what will occur next. He installed himself comfortable in one chair while i had to sit down in the other chair facing Him. Straddle-legged. Ofcourse. i was wearing stockings and high heels. Nothing else. Giggling i did what He expected me to do, 'cause tjeez it's so embarrassing to sit like that while naked. Very aware of my nudity and sluttyness. Apparently T. couldn't see clear what He wanna see 'cause i had to push a bit. He placed my feet on the arms. i sat there, legs upwards and astraddled, therefore T. had a good look on my cunt. Correction; my very wet cunt. Uneasy. That's how i felt. So i kept giggling which annoyed me very much.
"I would say mo, go ahead."
Hm, i suppose i looked at Him kinda dazzled.
"you know exactly what I mean mo, go ahead. Don't let your Owner wait. Finger yourself."
While hesitating a bit i lay a finger on my clit. Very aware of the eyes of T. Kind but stringent. i touch and rub my clit a bit while i place my other hand over my face. My fingers somewhat spreaded i peep at T. seeing His amused face.
"Take your hand away from your face mo and look me in the eye. You can do better then what you're performing right now. Finger yourself as you mean it!"
i try to focus and caress and rub my clit more aimed. Meanwhile i try to let go my sense of shame. Sometimes i still wanna hide my face behind my hand but i correct myself. i can't deny that i'm very aroused, my cunt speaks for itself. Very wet. My excitement increases and i relax more.
"Open your eyes mo, you have to look at me."
The amused look in His eyes is replaced by concentration. i can't tell what His feelings were at that moment. On the other hand i feel His eyes intensely orientated on me. His Possession; that is for now His slut. My stockings, shoes, i can see so conscious turn me on. My fingers are doing their job purposeful and i almost drown in His eyes. His fierce glance penetrating me is almost making me come. But i can't pull it off. Again i close my eyes, sometimes my head falls backwards in passion. Nevertheless i correct myself again and again because at this moment i crave nothing more than to look in His eyes. Though i feel myself small. Faster my fingers are rubbing, my breathing is heavy, but my climax failed to come. Then my Owner decides to help. He leans over while looking at me. i don't remember if He encouraged me, i love it as He humiliates me with words. While my fingers are still rubbing my clit, T. pushes His fingers in my cunt. He pushes them hard inside of me, outside, inside again. Our eyes breaking into each other and i exploding with His help into a severe, long lasting orgasm.

Epilogue: His fingers in my cunt have to become finally His whole hand. To be continued.

PS 2; i'm not sure if the title is grammatically correct. Though i feel myself small. Or; Though i feel small. Please point this out to me. Thank you. :-)