Belle de jour

No, you're wrong. I'm not craving at all. ;-) * Put on my pokerface * This is a fragment from an old classic movie that was on Dutch television the other day. Belle de jour from Buñuel 1967. In which a craving Catherine Deneuve lives a double life to explore her masochistic feelings. A little bit old fashioned perhaps but still an interesting movie that in that time was refused for Cannes because the jury found the movie controversial. Yet a year later the movie won the Golden Lion in Venice. One of the best characters of Deneuve, i think. This fragment is the very beginning of the movie and although in French, the images speak for themselves.

Reverbation and shared sorrow

As we arrived in DB we went to our familiar pub for a cup of coffee. That there was lots of more coffee that day we didn't know yet. We could take place at our trusted seats totally in the back of the pub, where T. easily can come under my skirt groping me without being noticed. I brought my Owner a present for his birthday; a collection of poems. The other present i bought for Him wasn't fit to open in the pub. ;-) That had to wait for a proper moment and place. We talked about my 'unwillingness' , what's the reason that i felt uneasy to accomplish my Owners orders? T. told me that He was angry and sad and ofcourse i find this terrible. We talked about his anger; i can't tell when He's angry. I wasn't allowed to wear the collar, not yet, i didn't earn it. Maybe that afternoon. That touched me very much. We talked about desires and expectations. Then it was time to go.

"Do you know where we are going too mo?"

Indeed i had a presumption. This turned out to be the right one. The sexvideotheque where you can rent a room. Unfortunately you can't reserve this room. T. assumed that if we arrive there, the room is vacant. But his optimism wasn't correct. The room was occupied and probably for an hour or two apologized the owner. Meanwhile i felt embarrassed because the male customers were examining me curiously.

We were walking thru DB, the sun was shining, my hand in my Owners hand. We had a nice lunch, feeling great. Again my Owner tried the videotheque. Still occupied. T. had another option but because He had to leave early this meeting we hadn't enough time for it. We went to the cathedral i love so much. Sitting quietly and talking. And again a last try at the videotheque. When it became clear that the room was still occupied (tjeez does this man alone needs so much time? ;-)) we decided to go back to the pub. Time for a cold beer and a glass of wine for me.

Being with my Owner and no possibilities to play is frustrating because i was craving like hell. But so did my Owner. I was allowed to notice that when T. took my hand and directed it to his vital parts. We were sitting there in the back of the pub on our trusted seats. T. unzipped his trousers and i felt his masculinity in all his splendour. My hand pinching and softly stroking his warm cock provoked my lips a longing sigh. Shared sorrow.

"If i would command you to give me a blowjob right here, right now, you would do that little slut of me."

I wasn't so sure about that really. Although we were sitting in the back of the pub, we were still visible to others. But oh those eyes of my Possessor, if He should command me that, first i'll be hesitating but finally i would do it. I think. I would close my eyes, shutting the world out. Then only our magical world excists. He and i. But He didn't command me to give him a blowjob.

Because of a post from the lovely s.o.d. we were talking about breasts. Big one, small ones. Which did my Owner prefer i asked him curiously. T. likes it that i have a full body.

"If I beat your breasts then my blow resonates so deliciously on your body. It shudders and is moving softly like an echo. It's nice looking at that."

Despite of the fact that the day wasn't exactly as T. had planned and of which i was longing and craving, it was so good to be together again. Talking and getting to know each other better is nice also. Then it was time to travel back to my daily existence. Delays and liveliness on the station. T.'s train went on time. He gave me permission to masturbate on the train, knowing that He also was freeing himself from the craving and tension. Ofcourse i had to send him a textmessage about the how and when. Finally my train arrived. On the toilet i brought myself to a climax two times. It didn't take long dear reader, as you can imagine. Back to my seat, not yet taken lucky me, i send T. a textmessage. His reaction was so very hot and yes i got permission, so again i went to the toilet. After a trainstop. I went to the other direction because suppose someone will notice that I was going to the toilet again. Ha! So very much not wanna be a slut but i can't deny it. Surely i am....... Therefore feeling guilty, shameful behavior.

The SM path i am walking on is testing above all my patience. But it's a consolation to know that my Owner is craving as much as i do. Meanwhile i have to continue the stretching etc..... When i'll meet my Owner again i don't know. So i happily crave and bounce till next time.

Travelling

'YES! And do exactly what I want you to do....'

On the station i was waiting for further instructions from my Owner. He sended me these words at the moment that the train direction DB drove within. Oh my, nervously i got on the train. This time i was allowed to buy a ticket. T. loves variation. But what was He suspecting from me? What made me so nervous?

I want you to take the train from 11:26 hours. Be trustful, knowing that your Owner is near. You walk as far as possible towards the beginning of the train. Till you can't go further because of the locomotive. There mo, on that inhospitable, gloomy balcony you settle down to welcome your Owner. On the moment the train starts moving you stand up, your back against the wall, your face towards the direction we're driving. Feel it; that you're Mine, that you belong to Me. When you're ready to please Me, you send your Tormentor a textmessage. Then you take with both hands the seam of your dress and draw this up so far that My slutcunt is exhibitting itself in public. After which you close your eyes and wait.

As i got in the train i took place in a compartment for a while 'cause i didn't know which direction the train would go to. Not thinking clear because of the tension. I sended my Owner a textmessage. His reply came quickly. That i was in the last section of the train and had to start walking to the beginning. It was a long train. I started walking and was wondering about the fact that T. was good in making himself invisible while apparently He nevertheless still could observing me. Quickly i started to go on the train. Finally i was at the last balcony. Happy to see there was no one there. I had the possibility to escape from this, but this would bring in more pain for me later on. I sat down on the tip-up chair and took off my jacket. Waiting for the departure. From the locomotive i heard some noises from the engineer that made me nervous. Suppose that he is coming out while i was standing there with my skirt up drawn? Yes, i couldn't think logically any longer from that moment on haha, because as the train starts moving ofcourse the engineer couldn't come out. As i heard the whistle from the conductor i listened very concentrated. Hm he was nearby. The train started to move and i looked into the compartment to check out if the conductor was coming my direction. He wasn't. The moment of no return; i sended my Owner a textmessage (is sms also a english expression?) that his slave was ready for Him. I stood up, pushed my back against the wall, took the seam of my dress. My eyes were closed as i pulled up my skirt. There i stood astride, naked belly and cunt, waiting for T. It seemed such a long time and it was very difficult to keep my eyes closed because i heard all kind of strange noises but i holded on. Not a single time i opened my eyes. Then i felt lips on mine, a hand groping my cunt, the trusted scent of my Owner. I could resist the urge to open my eyes.

"So slavegirl, are you ready for your Master? I am going to torment you."

T. brings up that i am very wet despite of my nerves for standing with a naked cunt in public. Very wet. The first blows on my cunt appear very loud to me. I was thinking that the engineer must hear this. But i kept my eyes closed and let happen what T. has in mind.

"This feels much different than those soft slaps you gave yourself in my command, isn't it mo?"

I had to admit this. Some blows on my cheeks and i was moaning softly. A new series of blows follows and my cunt starts to glow. Then i am allowed to drop my skirt. We are on a slow train and stop by a station. Nearby He is standing, my Owner, so i am not that nervous. But i hear all kinda noises and i am wondering if there are any travellers getting in on 'our' balcony. Thoughts are keeping me busy. I'm sure it's looking strange; me standing here with my back against the wall and closed eyes. But i feel safe 'cause T. is with me. Proud am i 'cause my eyes are still closed. My Owner finds this a pity. He gladly had given me some extra punishment.

As the train is moving again He hauls my tits from my dress and bra and is beating me maliciously on my nipples. Ow, damn this really hurts a lot! I can take little on my nipples. I shrink back, trying to avoid His blows. Slap! A hard blow on my cheek. T. pushes his fingers deep inside me and starts finger fucking me. I react intensely. Not so strange because of the orgasm-ban i had. I forget totally where we are and start moaning softly, letting myself go. T. stops just before i start to come, which frustrates me. Again hard blows on my cunt. I push my coxa forward, begging for more. This ritual repeats itself for a while; blows on my cunt, slapping my face, T. finger fucking me, stopping at a station and then again........

Then it seems as if T. was gone. I reach my hands forward untill i feel Him. He turns me around, taking on my behind. Then finally i am allowed to open my eyes to look at my Owner. We hugging and kissing each other. He takes me by the hand, directing me to a compartment that can be closed. Our own 'private' spot.

T. is sitting opposite of me. I have to spread my legs widely so He can watch me carefully. T. loves my full cunt as He names it. Again i have to close my eyes. First He places two very viscious pegs on the inside of my thighs. The ones with little sharp teeth. Because my skin is thight there it causes extra pain. Followed by pegs on my labia and the American clamps with a little chain in between. These fall off very quickly while they used to have a firm grip.

"Surely you know why these clamps fall of mo? Such a terrible slut you are. Why are these clamps falling off? Tell me."

To my decency i have to admit that i know why. Because i am soaking wet, that's why. T. places the clamps again, more firmly. Now they don't fall off. T. is pulling the chain. A delicious pain, which i was craving for penetrates my body. Several fingers inside of me and i am longing for more.

"You may not cum mo!"

Finally the unavoidable happens and i orgasm.

"Ehm sorry Sir, i came a little bit."

"Cumming a little bit doesn't excist slut. You'll find out later."

Much too soon we arrived at our destination. At the same time i was happy we arrived there. Because i was intensely craving for more pain, more humiliation, more trashing. T. is pulling the leash and i will notice. Because i had asking my Owner for it, didn't i?

Apart from that indeed the engineer had heard the blows, T. told me later. At some moment he was checking it out, looking behind the door. Fortunately i had my eyes closed.

Blood

I'm getting nervous. Within 2 days i'll meet my Owner again and i don't know how or when or what. Hah! Am i a controlefreak or what? I dó know that because of daily circumstances our meeting will be shorter than other times. But hey, i am very happy to look my Owner in the eye again. My Tormentor. By the way this title comes from T. himself. I wouldn't dare to call Him that. ;-) Also Tormentor because of some url's He sended me. For inspiration. Ehmm inspiration? Oooops uncomfortable is more like it. On the sites lots of photographs of women putting all kind of things in their cunt. Strange but most of all huge objects. These photo's aren't beautiful at all. To look at them i find embarrassing and humiliating but perhaps that's the reason why T. wants me to look at them in the first place. Main point however , and ofcourse i felt it coming, is that i have to stretch my cunt also. The final destination is T. fisting me, using His whole hand. Ooops again. Two times i've experienced fisting. It was very hot and i loved it, but my former Master wasn't carefull at all. He kept his sealring around his finger, was very rough as he withdraw his hand from me, to conclude that i was bleeding.

'Don't be frightened but you are bleeding.'

So it has been a while since the last time i was fisted. The idea to experience this again excites me, but also frightens me. The difference now is that i know i have a very careful Owner. Our last meeting T. made a little beginning; four fingers in me. But not yet the result He is aiming for. So therefore He gave me this order to start stretching my cunt. I find this sound a little scary, being afraid that my cunt will be so much stretched that it transforms in some kind of a 'too much too stretched thing.' (lubberding) LOL Meaning being afraid that the muscles stay stretched and don't tighten again. Or the fear of cannot holding my pee any longer. I know this is nonsense (again) but despite it..........

Still constanty feeling very submissive and ofcourse i didn't wanna disappoint my Owner again, i was looking for things wich i could put in. You know. A lot didn't seem possible. Ha! Scaredy-cat that i am. Then i noticed the little plastic bottle in which the sterile fluid of my lenses. (There must be a better and shorter word for it) Not too big, just beautiful to begin with. But do you think that such a little bottle can be put in easily? Well no, it doesn't. While i was/am very aroused and really very wet. (I have an orgasmban so i am constantly in an aroused mood) The textmessages i received from T. made me even wetter. But i didn't manage to put in that stupid little flask. Than i had this good idea; first of all i use my dildo. I have a big seized one.

* Now i am blushing. In proportion as this blog progress i become more shy. Is it because i don't wanna admit how slutty i really am? *

I put in the dildo, as deep as possible. Normally half of it suffice. I moved the dildo back and forth deeply. In and out. At the moments i felt approaching an orgasme i stopped. Orgasm-ban! The dildo wasn't switched on, no delightful buzzing and titilating impulses on my clit, so therefore i could postpone my climax. It wasn't easy though. Very aroused and very moist i switched the dildo for the flask. Softly pushing, a little bit turning, continuous a little bit further. Ofcourse the flask is bigger than the dildo. But at last i managed to put in the whole flask. Such a nice full feeling. I couldn't suppress the feeling to move the flask back and forth. Constant stopping just in time before..... Then making pictures for my Owner and send them to Him. I am so grateful that i don't have to place these pictures on this blog. When i carefully removed the flask from my cunt, there was blood on the tip. Only a short time i was scared and feeling dizzy, but this quickly changed into a proud feeling. This time i didn't let my Owner down.

T. was more then contented. He gave me permission to climax one time that day. Just once. Immidiately i made use of this opportunity. You can imagine that it didn't take long until i orgasm. For now i am busy with the preparations for our next meeting. The shaving ritual, what shall i wear, what will happen? Yet two restless nights of sleep and then the restlessness will be over. For a while. For now i'm loosing myself in dark, scary but oh so yummie thoughts, bouncing like a ping-pong pelet. In all directions.

Leash on

Because i constantly pushed forward the orders i had received from T., i explored my motives. Why is that? Ofcourse there were some good reasons why i didn't accomplish these orders, but nevertheless. Was there really not the possibility and time to do it in between my daily activities? Naturally, if i accomplish an order from my Owner, i just don't do it unthinkingly. Then i am concentrated and focused on His wish. Was there really, r e a l l y all this time no possibilieties or didn't i want to accomplish my Owners wish? My unwillingness wasn't deliberate, but i noticed within myself a restraint. Something was holding me back. A recognizable returning pattern.
Before T. went away on his holidays, our contact was a little bit less intense then i was used to. Only a short time. I already wrote about this in my blog 'Sunlight'. Just before He was leaving i had him on the phone to take away my uncertainty. Then there was 2 weeks of silence. But i do feel his presence in my heart, soul, body and thoughts so He wasn't far away. But why didn't i still not accomplish the orders? My Owner had given me space and time, but i find out that thát is just the breaking point. If i get too much space, i revolt. I don't wanna have this space, i wanna feel the leash. My Owner keeping me on a string, pulling the leash tight. And sometimes that is difficult in a D/s relationship like ours. Not seeing each other that very often. But it is possible and now i have experienced this.
Perhaps T. was still a bit careful because our relationship, even though already so intense, is quite new. Besides i find it difficult as a slave to point out my desires. Doesn't it look like manipulation or topping from the bottom? Ofcourse this is nonsense, i know. If i point out my desires, T. will decide what He's going to do with it. The lovely http://slutondisplay.blogspot.com/ wrote somewhere: 'a Dominant is not a mindreader.' I agree with that. When i pronounced my feelings to my Owner about feeling adrift He didn't react surprised at all. On the contrary, it inspires Him even more to pull the leash tighter. In a lovely, subtle way i feel how my Owner requires and takes more. Subtle but clear as water. In his sometimes severe, mostly caring mails and textmessages He has me where He wants me to be. An undertone of sadism is simmering and i am waiting, full of desires, for our next meeting when the simmer starts burning.

Despite my sense of guilt i was going to work singing

So much to write about, where will i begin? First of all i'll tell you about the shame and the accompanying feelings of guilt. As i wrote before my Owner had given me some commands that i postpone again and again. Ofcourse, i had some good reasons to do that, but when T. came back from His holidays and find an empty mailbox these reasons didn't suffice. A good slavegirl takes and finds the time to accomplish her Masters wish. Doesn't she? Examining my reasons i find out there were some deeper emotions behind my unintentional unwillingness. I recognise a pattern. I'll write about this in another blog. The thought that my Owner must be very disappointed in me made me sad. But He didn't show me his disappointment, He gave me understanding and compassion. Which makes me feel more guilty, you can imagine. Meanwhile i sended Him mails and textmessages hoping to take away the disappointment in me. Then T. sended me a severe email in which He made very clear that i couldn't get off the hook that easily. Ofcourse i wouldn't.


My bouncing and disobedient slave;
I'll make sure that you accomplish my command this tuesday!
Tuesday you will be ready at 10 o'clock!
you'll do what I command you!


Apparently i needed this. Immediately i sended Him a mail back out of inspiration. I'll be ready for you Master. With it i sended the two photographs you can see in this blog and the one from my previous blog. As soon as i pushed the button 'send' i realised my mistake. This mail would end at the mailbox of my Owners job. Normally i always check the url, but this time, in my submissive, guilty mood i just didn't. Oh how stupid i felt and how negligent! I wished i could crawl into the computer to recall my mail. It was already late but i sended T. a mail where i confessed my stupidity. Hoping He was still awake and could do something about it. With thousand exuces ofcourse. Also i sended Him a textmessage, hoping that...... Silence, T. was already asleep and i couldn't change a thing. I went to bed but couldn't sleep very well. The next morning again i sended my Owner a textmessage with lots of excuses and that i was a stupid bitch, a birdbrain and fellt very miserable. I had to go to work but couldn't think of anything else. For awhile my Owner let me dangle and sweat, but at last, just before i had to go, i received His releasing answer.
For now sorry is sufficient, but the punishment is expanding at His great pleasure. And He loves me also if i make mistakes. It's a lesson you have to learn in humility, bowing and penance.
Amazement and gladness 'cause in former D/s relationships it went totally different. My second Master made me feel miserable and guilty for days and feeling small in a negative way. My guilty feelings lessened and swapped for an exulting mood. I felt small and submissive but most of all very happy. In the evening T. sended me the following email:

Senseless, unaware slavegirl of Me;
You àre a birdbrain and a stupid bitch!
But mo, you're also a vivid woman who can make mistakes,
you're also My girl,
most of all you're My slut and My slave;
in other words: you are Mý mo!

Enclosed the remark that He will not spare me if we meet each other again next thursday. But all along it becomes clearer and clearer that i really am His slave. My submissiveness deepens even more, as well because of my increasing trust and the awareness that He will never let me down. Next day stroke of the clock ten hours i was ready for my Owner to accomplish His wish.

Slavegirl feelings: light headed and a wild heartbeat

For some time i couldn't find the words to write a new blog. Enough inspiration, but the right words were lacking. Also there's the rush of daily life, too much rush at the moment. Never a quiet moment. My Owner and i talked on the phone today and i am a very happy slavegirl, happier then i ever could dream of. The words for a new blog are in my head, time is still a bit lacking though, but i'm working on it, it won't take long for some new words here.
The shame written on my hand is quiet a story, it produced more intensification of my submissiveness. I'll thank the ones who commented here, please have some patience, soon i'll bring you a visit again.
Sweet greetz from a slave who's walking on sunshine right now.

My treat!

It's my birthday..... go ahead take some sweets, there's enough for everybody and for everybody's taste. Also chocolate for sweet subbies. I don't take some, i am happy with my straitjacket while i happily blow my party-tooter. You see; it's on my list of things making me happy. I would love to have on a straitjacket once while playing. Hooray! Who knows, some day.

At the moment i'm very, very busy. Not only my birthday, also my eldest son, two weeks ago, and my hubbie next week. Busy with work also. So the weekends are busy, and during the week it's also running, running, running and little breaks. Soon i'll visit all my favourite blogs again. Haven't forgotten you.
My Owner is back from His holidays. Biiiiig smile. So therefore lots of restlessness. And lots of daydreaming about harsh, twisted fantasies that hopefully will become real. I need severe pain right now. It won't take long till we'll meet again.

There's a lot to write about, but little time at te the moment. But i toast on life in general and a special toast for Tormentors and their craving slaves. Cheers!

Photograph; Nathalie suspended by Singing Naturist.

A nice photograph for craving and dreaming submissives. The knowing that T. soon is back from His holidays is making me jumpy and longing. It won't take long for our next meeting. *sigh*

Jump....jump..... jump.... I bonce into the garden, perhaps the sun will calm me down. ;-)

Shelter

The sensuality of many green colours and exposing twigs.

The sun kisses my body, the wind is playing with my hair.

While birds are cooing and singing a song of desire.

Because of the beautiful weather my desires are blazing and i'm dreaming of a play in a silent forest. i miss T. for almost a week now, 'cause He's on a holiday. He'll be back the 12th of may. Fortunately i am very busy 'cause my kids don't have to go to school for 2 weeks, so there're kids lodging, my eldest son's birthday, lots of visitors. And i love it, 'cause it's a nice stay in the garden with friends, good meals and chilled white wine.
Sometimes a walk in the woods which blazes my desires a lot. Ofcourse then i see nice trees on which my Owner could tie me up, twigs bound together that can make my body glow, nettles and thorns each giving a different but oh so bittersweet pain.

Today i worked in the garden, chopping down some bamboo. If i see a nice stalk, i try it on my hands. The woesjjjj sound of the cane to be giving memories ánd craving for my Owner hitting me with it. It will be good weather for some time so therefore i'm most of the time in the garden in stead of behind my computer.

I have an Order from T., but with the kids hanging around and the many visitors i can accomplish the Order only next week. I hope this nice weather will last so that the next meeting with my Owner take place in the woods. Where He'll driving me towards this quiet forest while i'm in the trunk, waiting for what will happen.